Saturday, August 13, 2016

Where did MY LiBiDo for LIFE GO

I have noticed over the past couple of days that my sexual focus has shifted.  No longer satiated by the notion of a transient encounter, I am left to ponder...WHAT NOW?  I am once again too old to revert back to something I used to do and not quiet established enough to be settling down.

I am at an impasse.

PATIENCE...and SHEA BUTTER.

PEACE

Wednesday, August 10, 2016

I thought this SHIT was over

I woke to a purple/brown-ish patch under my eye...in the soft still-high-swollen tissue under my eye.  Ironically enough, I was trying on a pair of sunglasses Carlton let me hold and I noticed what I thought to be smudge or mark on the glasses.  However, when I removed them for further inspection...nothing!  Took out my phone and clicked on the camera app...when that screen came UP my body went COLD!  WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!?!?!?

I have to contact my physician...if I still have one.  I have to go get this checked out and get it taken care of.  IT will not be ignored.  I have been waiting around NYC for something...IS THIS IT!?

I do not know.  I do know I am tired of living in sickness.  I have been living in sickness since...18.  28years...28 YEARS.  The thought of DEATH has been present and off to the left of my brain, but it has BEEN THERE.  I have imagined just how ugly, awful, painful...or not; messy, sad, and pathetic my dying would be.  Living In-Sickness has certainly informed my reticence for performing, "What if someone notices?!" 
 I recently read that the actor taking over the lead in HAMILTON [hot play of the moment] is HIV positive and out about it.  I LOVED hearing that.  Just as I LOVED hearing about Frank Ocean.  2 things I was ASSURED would never be allowed - a positive Leading Man in Pop Culture and an OUT, Partnered Black Male Pop Star.  I  have really got to check who I am listening to.

I wonder what is wrong now?  I have been checking my skin and eyes for any discolorations, rash, or Something...Nothing!!! I have continued on my regular routine...and biding my time until I get out of here.

I have been writing in cycles...for the past 6 years.  I was the same way until I went on tour.  I had something new to write about then...new discoveries and spaces to be explored.  However, being in NYC...will drive you mad...if you let it.  I have gotten what I need...many times over from this space, but now feel as though I do not know where to go.  But I know this already.

Sleep On iT...and get to work.

PEACE

BeNU


Friday, July 29, 2016

Imagine That

I imagined 10 years ago that I would have been at established as an artist... a vocalist/writer/director/producer/publisher by now.  What happened?


I come home nightly and expect that I should be crafting some great play or coming up the arch of my as-yet-unwritten-novel[la] or at least posting INTERESTING Images of inspiration for me to feed off of and plan from...but no.  Nightly, I return to this room as I have returned to every space I have occupied since returning to the States - wondering, smoking and thinking, "HOW DID I GET HERE!?"  Followed UP that Strokin' to Sleep.


I can't move on for FEAR of repeating some awful mistake of my past.  I am UNABLE to move forward...UNWILLING to take the RISK necessary to LIVE AGAIN.  Instead, I have reverted to type.  I have once again inhabited a cliche'...one so ugly, I LEFT THE COUNTRY TO AVOID IT!!!  LoL...I think


You can't NOT KNOW!  I came back knowing this and STILL I have ended-up...just how I was hoping never to - CRUSHED, sTIFLED, Confused by the PATH behind me and CONFOUNDED by the one BEFORE ME!!  Funny thing about KNOWLEDGE...you can have all the knowledge in the world, but left dormant, it serves NO PURPOSE.


I have too many options...as my Dad once told me.  I SEE everything.  They named me GREGORY, which means The WATCHER [OE].  Joel, my birth name, is that of a minor PROPHET in the Old Testament.  BeNU, with the altered spelling, is meant be my embodiment of The PHOENIX...the ORIGINAL PHOENIX, as know in KEMET.  He/That which RISES from the ASHES to BRILLIANCE and once again FLY HIGH, OBSERVING the WORLD and SPREADING HARMONY!!!  Be that as it may, I have tried all that I can try in the hopes of whittling down my options.  However, the more I see, the more of the world that opens up to me...the more diversions from my original path I see...and try. 


My ORIGINAL Path was perform, learn, direct, create, produce.  In the course of all of thi,s gain the knowledge I need to fulfill my dreams, while earning the respect of my peers for both creativity and being thorough. 


THE MINUTE FEAR of ANY SORT seeped into the picture...It was a WRAP.  Initially, I thought "since my parents don't SEE IT...I must not have IT." and "I will work diligently...find something that catches my interest so that I am able to distract myself from my dream/passion."  I tried everything and in the process...learned how to best keep ME on the BACKBURNER...so much so, that I developed an almost instinctive way of IGNORING ME in order to best HELP/EXIST THROUGH OTHERS!  That is where I find myself...PRESENTLY.  This is the ME I keep thinking a COWARD for not...ONLY using a small part of my TALENTS to GET BY, as opposed to realizing that THIS is HOW I HAVE BEEN LIVING.  ME IS IN THE AIR and UNAVOIDABLE.  I have been able to REHASH everything I have done to get here.  Despite these choices being the folly of my 20s and 30s...the effects has been lasting.  Also, I DID IT...lol...while I was working in media, so...


MY ART...My HeART has suffered tremendously.  I never REALLY gave my wits the room to breath...consistently.  When the time came to step up, I got a bit tripped-upBut that happens.  Funny thing...IF YOU HAVE NEVER TRULY FALLEN...it is a BITCH Getting back up.  I NEVER Really CARED about anything elseEven living through Fashion, as I was able to do for the Greater part of the 90s...never had any complete allureMusic...My VOICE...THIS MUSCLE that was to GIVE VOICE to MY HEART/SOUL/MIND, had been kept on lowflame for so long...that when time came to execute...I couldn't sustain it.  I tried to apply the experiences I'd had in NYC to living as an ARTIST.  Hoping that would spark my RESILIANCE...I called upon those Fuck, Foibles and Funtimes to INFORM my FUTURE...in a POSITIVE way.  I RETARDED.


I stepped into an CHAPTER of my LIFE that was convoluted...confounding and humbling in a way that threatened to BREAK ME.  It has given me pause, though. 

I ACHE to move forward and FULFILL what I IMAGINED, but to where? 


Graduate school has come up again...


Learn...LIVE in a controlled environment.  Do I still have a chance?  Why not?


MOVE Forward.  The PATH can Lead to what was initially IMAGINED, but
 I have to take the steps. 


The Past is the Black/MRBHistory Learn from it...and go on.


LIVE.


Now is the Time


BeNU



Thursday, July 28, 2016

AURAL FIXATION...Michael Franks - Sleeping Gypsy (Full Album) ►1977◄





Hmmm...

Hmmm...Patience Pays

That  was the T today...




Patience Pays...




You are where you are supposed to be.




Stay open.




Guard your Light.


Be Present.


LOVE...Unconditionally


LOVE HARD


Follow your Heart


TRUST your GUT


Do what you LOVE and you'll never work a day in your LIFE!!!


Just recalling some of the...


WISDOM



Merci Beaucoup.


Now, USE IT.
[I'm waiting!!!]


PEACE


BeNU