43

may i be gay

like every lark

who lifts his life

from all the dark

who wings his why

beyond because

and sings an if

of day to yes

E.E. Cummings

There is NOTHING new under the Sun!!!

Today, as I watched FRIDA (for the hundreth time) I realized...My parents and I are more alike than we...I realized. I have often characterized my family as apolitical - A collection of "fringe-bougie" blacks/negros, doing their damdest just to be "get on"...ignoring the crazy that seemed so evident to me!!  They didn't MARCH, RIOT or SIT-IN.  They worked, pledged, and pontificated.  They became "The America Dream."  For me that seemed but a farce.  From my  perspective, they "bought-in" and were doing everything in their power to insure my sister & I did the same!!

However, 

when considered through the eyes/phyche of a more "seasoned" Man, I realize:

- They were young, driven, intelligent [brown] people, attempting to make some sense of all that WAS swirling about them in the very racist, very segregated, very sexist 60s.
- College educated & strong, with solid familial structures, the notion of being an active participant against the foolishness manifests in everyone differently.

THEY LEFT, 

opting to come North [with their collection of college friends] and worked with at-risk youth in Upstate NY...

[Dig-up all your pearls...teach the boys and girls - BADU]

...imparting, to the next generation, all that they gained.

[This was followed by graduate degrees... 

& ME!!!]

- Their form of protest was SUCCESS.  Not that success that shines in the sun, but dulls under pressure. Instead, the success rooted in depth, richness & truth...that BLOSSOMS, no matter the hour.
[For...ever I tried to make sense of my father's doting on how he excelled on every exam given at [his job].  It wasn't about proving to himself, "Yes I Can!!!"...but, DISPROVING "their" assertion, "He Couldn't Possibly!!!"

[Middle-Class(?) blacks have often faced an unruly, unfair judgement - vilified by whites & blacks [and others] for the same reason, "Why are THEY able?"  Thought to be "immediately" snobbish, their cool reactions could never be seen as bracing for [what's next].  Rather, is was often misconstrued for Bragging!!!]

I AM, Because THEY ARE.  

I honor THAT 

through 

my work

...LIFE and LOVE.

They left the oppressive, confusion of a space that no longer complimented them for the land of proported opportunity.

I have done the same. 

  [the confounding grey, for Beaute' Facades...;-)]

[I'm Ok...it's OK!!!]

I get it!!!

Just a Thought

Does anyone else think it IRONIC that 

The Most Popular HIV Positive person 

in the world 

is 

a BLACK man 

named 

MAGIC JOHNSON!?!?!?!

Hmmmm...

Apre-See-A-SON

I remember how joyfully my sister and I used to run to the entrance doors of [THE] PONDEROSA/BONANZA [steakhouse(s)] or RED LOBSTER [seafood] restaurants...where I would undoubtedly order a hamburger and fries. ;-)

 

[Hey...to me, at that age...that was practical and my cool "eating-out" food.   Practical, because I could get my parents to pay for [what is still] my all-time favorite meal...[although now it is turkey meat]..and a toy, too boot!!!]

I remember the PRIDE in my FATHER's stride 

...[behind us].  

I have thought often how his chest was always poked out.  

Now, 

I understand and appreciate that posture:

PROTECTIVE

looking out for Crazies (cause my sister and I weren't, while my Mom mentally mapped out her Post-meal SHOPPING at the mall!!!)

PROUD

to be able to take HIS FAMILY out to dinner...HE EARNED THAT!!!

I get it.

MERCI BEAUCOUPE!!!

Hmmm...FAMILY

THAT has been an interesting 

NOTION/REALITY...

Ever-Changing/Ever-EVOLVING

DYNAMIC in My LIFE -

BOTH - the one "Created" for ME...

and the one created by ME!!!

ChPAK - WISDOM!!!

The PAST is The Cause,

The PRESENT is The EFFECT...

The FUTURE is The SOLUTION!!!

I GOT IT FROM MY MOMMA

The Bottom Line

FACE IT...

Nobody owes you a living.

What you achieve or fail to achieve in your lifetime is directly related to what you do or fail to do.

No one chooses his or her parents or childhood, but you can choose your own direction.

Everyone has problems and obstacles to overcome, but that, too is relative to each individual.

NOTHING IS CARVED IN STONE.

You can change anything in your life, if you want to badly enough.

Excuses are for losers.  Those who take responsibility for their actions are the real winners in life.

Winners meet life's challenges head on, knowing there are no guarantees, and they give it all they've got.  They never think it's too late or too early to begin.  Time plays no favorites and will pass whether you act or not.

TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE.

Dare to dream and take risks...Compete.

If you aren't willing to work for your goals, don't expect others to.

BELIEVE IN YOURSELF.

From the iPhone - 14, Oct [Hmmm...]

Try as I might, I just can't shake the feeling of happiness settling in on my bones.  For the past 2 weeks I have seen the days come and the light go...only to have her blaze upon my path the next!!!  Tempted as I may be to BACKPEDAL, Carmine's prophetic words damn up that well...arresting the wasted energy with, "You know you canNOT go back!"   On certain days (of old) this flippant insight would send me into a fearful fright, as I considered what I left - Paris, Love, Life!!!

Now, today...this wisdom rings true with a completely different cause.  You...I can NOT go back...that is NOT possible!!!  Regression is NOT an option 'cause LIFE keeps on moving forward.  With everyday I become that much MORE assured in following the path that IS unwinding around me!!!

I am looking at myself in the reflection of this "note" and have to smile!!!!

I'm HEEEEEEERE!!! [CAMP]

From the iPhone - 27, Aout

I want to make sure I record this:

IT IS TIME TO ANSWER THE CALL!!!

...finished "fleshing" WISDOM out of my system at a lovingly, surprising pace - slow...steady...smart...strong...mesmerizing!!!!

I am standing in front of my flat, after having one of the "truer" experiences here au jour dui!!!  Moi vie aux Paris will no longer be "muffled" by those that cannot comprehend it.

Independence allows for Freedom...Freedom allows for creativity!!!

Everything I have gone through over the past year(s) has prepared me to be right where I am - present and successful.

Merci Beaucoupe, Moi Anges!!!

I guess I am ready...'cause I am doing it!!!

BeNU = BE NOW

[I felt as if I were walking with destiny and that all my past life had been preparation for this hour and for this trial...I was sure I should not fail - WINSTON CHURCHILL]

Peace

From the iPhone - 14, October

This morning while folding my "fashion bounty" at the local LAVERIE I spied a young family - from Sweden, based on what I could hear of their speech - trying desperately to decipher the French hieroglyphics that pass as instructions for use of the Washer and Dryer. I could see they needed help.  As they determined just where to drop their Euro, no detergent was to be found.  Quelle Scandal!!!  I had 2 spare tablets and that had 2 loads - Seemed Obvious - so I extended my hand to the wife, just as her husband was finding his way into the FranPrix across the street.  This delighted the mother and her stroller-strapped son.  The father returned to the LAVERIE, euros saved, but with a suspicious look fixed on his mug...offering, "MERCI!?" 

"No Problem", I responded!

The joy came from the son, who following his mother's instructions said, "Bye, Bye!!!" to me while waving and flashing the most BEAUTIFUL smile!!!  He looked me in the eye and waved - his mother and father then flashing equally Brilliant Grins!  And they were off...machines on and spinning...they were out into the sun! 

Damn that felt MAGNIFIQUE!!!

Merci