Next Move

Well, the time is upon me...and as per usual, I have waited to the last minute to make a move.  I'd planned to go visit Berlin after my [new] friend Denvil reported back that he and my boy Ahmad were loving the energy.  My girl Indigo raved about the renewed "creative energy" and "the openess" of the people.  This is of course, is no surprise.  Parisiens are not used to being open.  I, on the otherhand, foolishly expected to find that same artistic WELCOMING in this City of Lights.

A couple of hard truths are tripping me up - 1} I am tired. I need a rest and revitalization.  I am so spent from having to negotiate this Arrogant, Twits that I fear i would have NOTHING to give in Berlin.  I want SO MUCH to flesh out the song in my soul.  However, Paris found great folly in trying to make a fool out of me for wanting to make this a reality...and it took everything at my disposal to fend off this MISERY LOVES COMPANY drain!!!

2} I have no more money than I did when coming here initially.  That said, I have to pay for my return ticket...somewhere ( I have yet to determine just where I am going, but Paris is a WRAP!!!!).  I have to eat...LIKE I NEED to EAT in the FALL. 

3) While IN THEORY the thought of JUST GOING sounds great, it leaves me hollow...wanting.  There is no excitement.  Rather, I figure if the opportunity presents itself...WHY NOT!?

4) I need to check on my family.  They have been THROUGH IT as of late, with my Uncle Ted passing.  My Dad sounds overwhelmed with having to deal with my mother and her sister, as well as tying up Evelyn's loose ends.  My sister is barely employed and that is just Georgia.

5) Honestly, I would prefer to be someplace I can smoke WISDOM...REAL WISDOM...and wrap my head around the last 2 years of my life...so I can figure out just what I am doing next.

I am stuck...sitting in a Left Bank flat with little more than Gmail and Facebook AND LetMeWatchThis as my only escape.  However, the time has come upon me...TOUTE SUITE!

Just pick a place and go...that is what Troy and Allen said.  Emmanuel proposed, while Kori and Brad have UNselfishly expressed the fact that I need to hurry up!!!

HELP!

I'd hoped to be creating my next step with what i have been doing here, however after a year and half "working" with a Frenchman...I now realize that stress and his indifference to honestly addressing his talent or lack thereof...had robbed me of this chance.

Frustrated...nah, but need to have something to show for my Investment.

Where to?  Where do i go?

How will I get there and will I be able to walk!?

HELP!!!

I am SO TIRED of Being Treated Like a NIGGER

Tonight, as I contemplated which of these over-priced, pretentious boites a Rive Gauche I would dash by before hitting up the FranPrix for salad and Potato Chips...I happened past a ProxI.  Two North African/Indian attendees barely nodded.  I kept going.

On the way back to the flat I determined that i needed my crack [AKA the mixed-fruit cups] to compliment my wisdom...lol...and happened INTO the PROX-I [Fran Prix was out...odd!!!]  As I made my way to the back of the store, where the refrigerated items were stocked...the routine COMMENCED.  I was standing back there for maybe 2 seconds when I noticed something twitching to my left.  It was the "other" attendee...and as my conscious now opened up to his presence, I noticed he was re-merchandizing this whole wall.  Shifting and re-aligning items...cheese, cream, frozen veggies.  Every time I reached for a different flavor he shifted to a new item.  We kept this dance up for about 10 min [I'm serious about my Mixed-Fruit cups!!!], until I just turned and started laughing at him.  This frustrated him to the point of walking away...but then I got bothered.  THAT HAS BEEN HAPPENING SINCE DAY ONE!.  I do not understand. 

Let me preface this next statement with, "I know how fucked-up this is going to sound, but I have to put it out there."  I am a 40 yo, lean, light-skinned, balding man...with funky glasses and what I thought was a very non-threatening ensemble - brown GRIEGE long sleeve t and grey cotton LEVIS, as well as my ever-present BIRKs!!!  REALLY???  THE WHOLE WALL!?!?

I thought I was having flashbacks to some Wayans-family flick!!!  LoL  And these were people of color!!!  Normally, it IS the African security in my peripheral view...that is SOOOO ANNOYING! 

TAKE THE BLINDERS OFF...THERE IS RACISM stewing behind every quizzical look, cautious loook, nervous nudge and side-step...every Brash Giggle...urgent need to re-assemble an entire wall of refrigerated merchandise...et al. 

WILLFUL IGNORANCE is Alive and Well!!!

I am NOT however anything but [Willfully] AWARE!!!

When I see people of color on these streets now, I do not think free.  I look to their eyes to try and determine, " What that have had to forgo/sacrifice to walk so proud and full?"  Based on my experience...I will assume alot.

GET ME GONE.

PEACE Nigga'!!!