CROSSROADS

I had a panic-attack recently.  Right on the corner of 125th and Lenox - a spot I had traversed...sooooo many times over the last 10 years negotiating To and Fro in NYC.  As I stood with my Best Brother of over 20years, waxing witty on all the caricatures we were baring witness to, I began to replay - in my mind - the many different permutations of ME that had traversed that same corner...and then it stopped.  MY BREATH.  I have often been accused of holding my breath...in LIFE...so, when I slipped-into this state I wasn't IMMEDIATELY alarmed.  It was me woozing back, zoning-out, and glazing-into this surreal review of my time a NYC...that made me know just what was going on.

I thought the WISDOM got the best of me, so I tried to breath...and got scared...NOTHING.  I looked to my left and to my right...but my boy was standing in front of me.  I was alone.  After having really WORKED the streets of HARLEM...and NYC...and BK...and ...lol [you get the picture]...and to STILL BE STANDING THERE...shook me to the core!!!

The reality is I am not the same person who had inhabited Les Boulevards de NYC over the past 10 years.  Paris had given me time to BLOOM, it would seem.  I shed the skins...the cocoon borne out of the LIFE I'd lived in NYC.  I painstakingly eeeked out my every dream; tirelessly fleshin-out my passion and LOVINGLY meeting and greeting every kind of man...woman and child I could have ever imagined.  Taking this thickened skin...shell...CLAY...hmmm...to the City of Lights - the storied destination of so many artists, painters, writers, musicians, actors, sculptors, etc...it only makes sense that SHE would LAY HANDS on ME.  By Lay Hands - I mean mold.

Away from the frenetic, distracting pace of this Harlem corner, I was able to employ and test every skill, talent, trick of trade I'd gained in NYC, with ...Thankfully... little truly harmful damage.  Paris laid her arrogant tenticles all over me...and while she made me HATE HER...lol... in the process [the French have a habit of doing that...sometimes], I can't say I am mad about the end result...confounded, maybe.

Truth is, there is a need to panic if I do not have a plan...for me.  There is a need to panic if I feel as though I cannot be smart about LIVING and have FUN at the same time.  THERE IS A NEED TO PANIC...if I suddenly determine I CAN NO LONGER AFFORD TO TAKE RISKS.  There IS a need to PANIC IF I thought GIVING UP might make things better...easier...stop.  There IS a NEED to PANIC if PASSION CAN NO LONGER FIND the LIGHT.  There IS a NEED to PANIC if SUDDENLY I can NO LONGER Muster a SMILE...from my SOUL.

Truth is, standing on that corner...with LIFE and TIME swaggering by... I realized that I had come to a place where I clearly, unapologetically see, recognize, have contextualized ALL of THE layers of insulation afforded me through my living in NYC...down to those things that truly applied to my life and living and LOVING going forward.  NYC was...is not a part of that.

All of the reasons were cursing and cruising; stepping, popping, ramping, tramping and lampin'; politicking and tricking; aching for trade while selling shitty lemonade - all in the hopes of MAKING THEIR MARK. [ Funny thing about NYC - it a place all about MAKING your MARK...YOUR SPACE to SHINE.  Problem is...there are SOOOOO MANY PEOPLE trying to do the same thing...that SPACE is the last thing anyone who is TRYING, VYING, SCHEMiNG and PLYING for can AFFORD.]  Those that can, pay dearly for they have.

Being away afforded me the opportunity to realize that I can ACTUALIZE my DREAMS outside THIS Hustle n Bustle.  Being outside of THIS afforded me the OPPORTUNITY to gauge just how the OTHERs LIVE.  Being apart from this, made me know I CAN...COULD BE a PART of SOMETHING else...BETTER To & FOR ME!!!

Being Back...On this Corner...at THAT POINT...in a PANIC...BREATH BATED...41...HEALTHY...STRONG...CONFOUNDED, but CLEEEEEEEEEEEEAR... Hmmmm...made me REMEMBER to BREATH.  I AM HERE.  I AM NOT WHO I WAS - Fuck-Ups*Foibles*FunTimes, BUT WHO I AM.

My greatest...simplest clearest decision I had to make, as I stood WILLFULLY DISTRACTED by ALL of HARLEM's CARICATURES...was where to go from tHERE.
Hmmm...


 Merci Beaucoup La Belles - NYC[HARLEM] et Paris