sustenance more suitable for MY soul

"Looking for a place to live. Looking for a job. You begin to doubt your 

judgment, you begin to doubt everything. You become imprecise. And that’s 

when you’re beginning to go under. You’ve been beaten, and it’s been 

deliberate. The whole society has decided to make you nothing. And they don’t 

even know they’re doing it."


-James Baldwin, Paris Review
[http://www.theparisreview.org/interviews/2994/the-art-of-fiction-no-78-james-baldwin#.UU8_1UUDFkY.facebook]

The irony of reading this today...is not lost on me.  This quote is part of an amazing interview given by James Baldwin - The Paris Review, Spring 1984.  This one excerpt, viewed while I was working in a friend's showroom...just after another friend admitted that she was not going to be able to afford me as an assistant in Ga...perfectly articulated just how I found myself feeling...at hat moment.  [I had been asking repeatedly, via e-mail...only to receive cryptic responses.]  I am certain that my repeated intimations about my needing to visit my parents let her know that I was serious.  I could see in her face see was...trying to find a way to finesse telling me...brutal honesty winning-out in the end.  For that reason, I know she is just handling her business.   

So here is my thing about this quote, as well as NYC - it is exactly where I feel I am.  I 
am sooooooooooooooo wanting to leave here...this place...this space...before it does something really wrong to my spirit...and I am BROKEN...fo' REAL!



I am so confused at this point.  Perhaps the clarity that comes with stopping to breath...is more than I am willing to admit to!?  Perhaps that anxiety I am harboring is reflective of far more than I am willing to own up to.

I am around folks who know the details...pay attention to the signs and are looking at me screw-face.  Why?  Of that I am not sure...but I know the uncertainty is unnerving, even if the reason is positive. 

I am not DEAD YET...that scares people when I say that, but perhaps they do not know how that re-assures me.  Meaning, I have another day to LIVE...to GROW...to LEARN...LOVE...ACT...and WIN.

Folks are constantly asking...wondering...confounded by why I cannot perform in NYC.  I don't know.  

I want to make sure that if...WHEN that happens it is Go...GREAT!  I ONLY know...FEEL like I know MAJOR...in terms of musicians.  I need to demonstrate that I actually AM WHAT I AM - an ARTIST...A VOCALIST...A WRITER...A CRITICAL THINKER...A NECESSARY VOICE...but where? and for what?

- To be fair this is the very beginning of the article.  However, early on JB is mirroring my sentiments regarding NYC.  I am running from NYC, not JUST because I feel as though I no longer fit here...I knew that when I left, so there is no surprise there.  I am Running from NYC...bec...PASQUE, je vais tranquil ecrivan la musique avec mes amis Julien et Martin.  There is something about the bond formed during struggle.  We created more than music.  I know how Julien feels about his art...and the conflict he is going through.  I wanted to be there to be able to continue creating with him.  That couldn't...didn't happen.  So, I am NOT running from NYC, but MOVING TO My LIFE and MUSIC.  NYC is great...amazing, but no one place can be everything for everybody.  It has grown out of being that for me.  I have tasted more...sustenance more suitable for MY soul.

I want this to NOT be the end...lost in Crown Heights...My Dreams...

MY WORK...MY LIFE lost to the very ...AFFLICTION I find in NYC...James Baldwin was speaking to!  

I AM HE THAT KNOWS THERE IS ANOTHER WAY.  I know ...see those that are following THAT Path and recognize them.  I know that I am not perfect, but I am doing what I can to CONTINUE ...SEE THROUGH that which I'd BEGUN in Paris.  

Both James Baldwin and I left NYC because the city had begun to tug our spirit in all the wrong ways.  He arrived with $40.00.  I arrived with much more...and left with much, much less.  Paris didn't break me, but worked ALL that FAT off the BONE.  I came back RAW...clear and UNACCEPTING of those odd AMERICAN-isms...I had once, so effortlessly embraced and embodied.  

My music isn't here.  The city inspires and confounds...DISTRACTS me.  I thought I'd be stronger and perhaps this coming year in BK I will be.  [Let's DO IT, Mel!!!]

Well, the onus then, IS on me.  

I AM not DEAD yet... ;-)!!!

Loud, Proud and Crazy comes Next...I Guess?!?!?!

I know this to be the case.

Time to get serious about...MOVING ON.

WISDOM...rambles through.

[Beginning to Make More Sense...Everyday!!!]