Questions...

Hmmm...

I am at a point of EXODUS.

Some...THING 

has a GRIP on my 

GUMPTION 

and I am...

NOT LIKING that...;-)

What is MY FEAR?

WHY is MY FEAR???

to NOT be taken SERIOUSLY...and to be THOUGHT a FRAUD.  After all that I have endured/overcome/triumphed/achieved/seen,heard, tasted, felt, smelt/ HEALED FROM/ learned/experienced up to this point...

That REALITY...that THAT may be the case...may actually Happen...

Has me dumbfounded.

Quoi?

Je ne c'est pas.

Alors...Arret La!!!

I feel as though I should be creating this grand piece of work.  A Large Scale, Intensely Engaging Sophisticated, Smart, Sharp, Timely Piece Indicative of the time it took to produce.  AAAAAARRRRGH!!!

Over the years I have collected any number of ideas for projects that have been fleshed out in my head and little else.  So, they remain remnants of a Time of Optimism and Fearless Dreaming...lol.  The experiences and environments I continue to find myself in are clear indicators of where my head/spirit is. 

 SPIRIT is holding on...narrowly negotiating the barbs arriving almost daily...in some form or fashion.  

The thing is...there is THAT possibility in ME.  I FEEL it, it...IT is confounded HERE.  Distracted I like to say, but I feel it is closer to really looking at my past.  Immaturity can only mask so much, before guilt settles in.  One...I cannot create anything feeling like I have wronged anyone.  It is a block of SPIRIT.  Meaning, my intentions are pure...generally...plainly stated or should be obvious, as they are often reactions to those around me.  If I have...HURT anyone, while LIVING through my so-called period of "Fuck-Ups/Foibles/Fun-Times"...I apologize.  I have been able to see plainly how people feel about me here...I can feel it.  It ain't all bad...lol...but it IS.  I pay attention...NOW THAT I AM OPEN, but OPEN...that CLARITY...LIGHT I reserve for art...creativity...invoking SPIRIT...song...lyric...HARMONY...ME.

I sent, nightly...WISDOM'D-UP hoping to write some OPUS, but end-up jOFF to Sleep.  This is NOT PRODUCTIVE and I FEEL Like I am wasting This Perfect Creative Space...[as I have Deemed it].  I don't understand that...

So STO...START SOMETHING.

I IMAGINED that I'd come back from Paris more direct...clear.  In all of my dealings I am have been up-front...in order to prevent confusion in the long-run.  Hmmm...What I am finding is that people are not taking me seriously, therefore my words mean nothing.  Perhaps people feel I should be doing more while in NYC.  Well, let's be clear, I did all that I intended - GET HEALTHY.  Beyond that, I have been truly blessed the opportunities I have had since being back in Harlem.  I know that.  But, beating myself up for following my plan, despite how others feel, is CRAZY.  Being made to feel as though I don't have a handle on things, when I can see clearly the games being played on me...is hurtful and disrespectful.  But hey, you live and learn.

Time to produce.  But what?  I am here with legal pads, snacks, space, music, WISDOM, Sirens RAINing down OutSide my window and nothing but scribble.  A RETARDs Scribblin'.

Concrete Ideas...treatments for the videos for the songs

Short/Movie Script

More Songs

Scores for movies/tv

Study Vibration

Write/Create Works based on those findings

SING

Work with other Artists to Create pieces

HIGH ARTs PUBLICATION

Where to start?  I try to see...feel which has the best legs to take the first step.

I want that LOVING FEELING about LIFE again.  I am too TWISTED here to feel it.  I am running all over NYC making nothing happen...lol.  Feels like Ol' Times.  AAAAARGH!!!  Yes, I have an impressive resume, but feel like folks don't believe.  I keep encountering confusion permutations of PROACTIVEvsEGO...lol.  I either too laid back or INDIGNANT.  LoL  Could it just be another FORM of PROFESSIONALISM!?!

So TOUGH, HuH?  We shall See!!!

I am in the thicket.

Time to FLY

Peace