I have had plenty of time to discern JUST WHAT HAPPENED to me - I came back SICK/Nearly Dead - determined to do whatever to HEAL - I took to finding the perfect spot for me to do just that. In addition, as I felt my voice was STRESSED-OUT and GONE, I would dive into THE ARTs to sustain my artistic soul and LIVE. Naturally...right?! Not so. Each step I took seemed to be a miss - whether we are talking about living or job. Over and over again I was reminded of just why I determined to depart NYC when I had initially. Additionally, this stay...the many living situations and job circumstances began to chip away at ME...the person, the artist, the soul. I began to feel some kind of way about being sick; having not really done THE MUSIC the way I'd planned; my seemingly ceaseless failures in the present-day NYC job-market; and the many friends I was losing as I bounced around seeking safe refuge to go through GETTING HEALTHY again.
Not only did I have AIDS, but I wasn't singing...perhaps I NEVER COULD! Funny...I never imagined a moment when I didn't have...wouldn't have my voice. Now, having experienced this first-hand, I must admit...it sucks!!! I cannot remember my life before...I cannot feel my own existence without singing. Songs...were my reference for EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING has a sound and I'd attached a ref.# and memory to sounds and songs I sang re. them. Now, without the connection to my voice...not using this one precious muscle I valued above all else and forced to rely on the skills I wasted my time honing instead of singing while in NYC before...I am miserable. I am back living this life I NEVER IMAGINED...had ALWAYS AVOIDED and I have become IT.
I slipped...I found myself ELECTING to enter into one bad situation after bad situation...not ever being able to see what surely to lay ahead. Had I read the signs, I would have avoided the trouble/situation. However, every step has felt desperate. Every move determined by bad planning or a just fate, this realization has me questioning my own sanity. I am feeling like I am doing the same thing, not surprised by the results...just resolved to them.
Somewhere along the line...influenced by meds, healing, my environment and activity...I got scared!!!! SCARRED and SCARED...of what...I cannot tell you. I was not going to leave here with anything I could get taken care of beforehand. Also, I found out 2 years ago about a treatment for HC. This...the prospect of this...a cure...being free of the burden of that around all my loved ones...had me dizzy and crazy. It opened up to me just how LONELY I was here. This final stage of my treatment...after being deemed UNDETECTABLE at a solid 180lbs...was most crucial. I wanted...and needed this. This would make being back in this now FOREIGN place worth it...despite the cost.
I took a job or two...bought great WISDOM...and bounced again...and again, finally taking an apt...with a signed lease in Hamilton/Washington Heights.. There I sunk into the DEPTHs necessary to SEE you LIGHT!!! The key being not to slip into the abyss before you...just take note of it. I fell into it. For a myriad of reasons, this last Phase of Treatment what most trying. Between a convoluted living situation that brought out the ugliest; to the heat and humidity that marked that summer on my bike...to the still incomplete art pieces I wanted to produce for a graduate school applications; to the continued fleeing of Once-Friends/Brothers...and the splintering of my brain cells with so much knowledge coming forth. I was just NOT HAPPY...DARK...depressed...and even in therapy.
That time has passed. My therapist has retired...to tend to some personal things...not because of me...I hope. I had 2 roommates I never spoke to, who had completely different schedules than me...and demonstrated that every morning as they prepared noisily for their day. This space was the culmination of my slip. I believe it began after staying with Sydne...and Louis. I didn't understand them...or I did and couldn't click with what was happening there. I was so twisted about it...I determined to make it RIGHT despite it being based on WRONG. That was it. There. When I didn't leave after that...but move to Brooklyn...it was WRONG. I should have gone, but I was blinded by the space. But my body knew...something knew...and stewed deep with me...twisting my guts something awful...only ever settled while smoking and loving the space I was living in...despite cats. That whole circumstance wreaked of Rancid PUSSY...all around. I had to finally walk away from Both.
Damage done and my wits frazzled, I bounced to Hamilton Heights where another rancid pussy never spared the opportunity to voice her disgust, while her owners implored her to STOOOOOOOooooP...SMH!!!
Holding Fast...is hard, when you are HOLDING IN the reason. No one is going to truly understand the moves you're making...except you. Conversely, no one is going to end up caring. I have seen many friend walk away, head shaking...wondering WHAT IS GOING ON WITH HIM? I guess. I'll never know. For someone who is accustomed to being social this solitary existence STINKS. My Brother/Sister Friends where my family/sounding board/ filter/litmus/faith...LOVE. They were running from my spin...'cause they had not idea why I determined to still be here.
I completed this final treatment at the beginning of July. I was anxious and ecstatic...I was also SCARED!!! I'd taken this time to really objectively observe what is going on socially and I wasn't interested. No longer interested in JUST BEING or repeating anymore of my OLD Life than I already was...I determined that I would not look back. However, EVERY corner already had a story from me. I came escape my escapades and it is a mood killer. When I consider how free I felt back then...as compared to now...wow!!!
What do I want now? What would make me Happy?
To be working..singing for my meals,and it working.
To be working as an arts educator...specializing in vibration and sound.
To be close to Nature.
To have my own space...to spread my wings and plant roots...if only temporarily. Most important is MY OWN SPACE
To Develop a tool by which to travel and share the fruits of my travels with the masses.
To be in a loving passionate relationship, that compliments my aspiration to sing/perform and move people in a positive way.
To be relaxing...without the necessity of Wisdom.
To be in a space where I know I can work, create, indulge in WISDOM and share/perform. Again, I LOVED the person that departed NYC in 2009 -2011. I am not interested in re-inventing myself...however, I do recognize being bothered by not being taken seriously. Despite having morphed into a spliff smoking...cool guy...I grind. I want to grind for something I LOVE. I want to devote myself to something other that the machine my adult ears and eyes clearly saw determining everything. Perhaps THIS re-Invention will be me or she! We shall see,
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