I come home nightly and expect that I should be crafting some great play or coming up the arch of my as-yet-unwritten-novel[la] or at least posting INTERESTING Images of inspiration for me to feed off of and plan from...but no. Nightly, I return to this room as I have returned to every space I have occupied since returning to the States - wondering, smoking and thinking, "HOW DID I GET HERE!?" Followed UP that Strokin' to Sleep.
I can't move on for FEAR of repeating some awful mistake of my past. I am UNABLE to move forward...UNWILLING to take the RISK necessary to LIVE AGAIN. Instead, I have reverted to type. I have once again inhabited a cliche'...one so ugly, I LEFT THE COUNTRY TO AVOID IT!!! LoL...I think.
You can't NOT KNOW! I came back knowing this and STILL I have ended-up...just how I was hoping never to - CRUSHED, sTIFLED, Confused by the PATH behind me and CONFOUNDED by the one BEFORE ME!! Funny thing about KNOWLEDGE...you can have all the knowledge in the world, but left dormant, it serves NO PURPOSE.
I have too many options...as my Dad once told me. I SEE everything. They named me GREGORY, which means The WATCHER [OE]. Joel, my birth name, is that of a minor PROPHET in the Old Testament. BeNU, with the altered spelling, is meant be my embodiment of The PHOENIX...the ORIGINAL PHOENIX, as know in KEMET. He/That which RISES from the ASHES to BRILLIANCE and once again FLY HIGH, OBSERVING the WORLD and SPREADING HARMONY!!! Be that as it may, I have tried all that I can try in the hopes of whittling down my options. However, the more I see, the more of the world that opens up to me...the more diversions from my original path I see...and try.
My ORIGINAL Path was perform, learn, direct, create, produce. In the course of all of thi,s gain the knowledge I need to fulfill my dreams, while earning the respect of my peers for both creativity and being thorough.
THE MINUTE FEAR of ANY SORT seeped into the picture...It was a WRAP. Initially, I thought "since my parents don't SEE IT...I must not have IT." and "I will work diligently...find something that catches my interest so that I am able to distract myself from my dream/passion." I tried everything and in the process...learned how to best keep ME on the BACKBURNER...so much so, that I developed an almost instinctive way of IGNORING ME in order to best HELP/EXIST THROUGH OTHERS! That is where I find myself...PRESENTLY. This is the ME I keep thinking a COWARD for not...ONLY using a small part of my TALENTS to GET BY, as opposed to realizing that THIS is HOW I HAVE BEEN LIVING. ME IS IN THE AIR and UNAVOIDABLE. I have been able to REHASH everything I have done to get here. Despite these choices being the folly of my 20s and 30s...the effects has been lasting. Also, I DID IT...lol...while I was working in media, so...
MY ART...My HeART has suffered tremendously. I never REALLY gave my wits the room to breath...consistently. When the time came to step up, I got a bit tripped-up. But that happens. Funny thing...IF YOU HAVE NEVER TRULY FALLEN...it is a BITCH Getting back up. I NEVER Really CARED about anything else. Even living through Fashion, as I was able to do for the Greater part of the 90s...never had any complete allure. Music...My VOICE...THIS MUSCLE that was to GIVE VOICE to MY HEART/SOUL/MIND, had been kept on lowflame for so long...that when time came to execute...I couldn't sustain it. I tried to apply the experiences I'd had in NYC to living as an ARTIST. Hoping that would spark my RESILIANCE...I called upon those Fuck, Foibles and Funtimes to INFORM my FUTURE...in a POSITIVE way. I RETARDED.
I stepped into an CHAPTER of my LIFE that was convoluted...confounding and humbling in a way that threatened to BREAK ME. It has given me pause, though.
I ACHE to move forward and FULFILL what I IMAGINED, but to where?
Graduate school has come up again...
Learn...LIVE in a controlled environment. Do I still have a chance? Why not?
MOVE Forward. The PATH can Lead to what was initially IMAGINED, but
I have to take the steps.
The Past is the Black/MRBHistory. Learn from it...and go on.
LIVE.
Now is the Time
BeNU
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