I thought this SHIT was over

I woke to a purple/brown-ish patch under my eye...in the soft still-high-swollen tissue under my eye.  Ironically enough, I was trying on a pair of sunglasses Carlton let me hold and I noticed what I thought to be smudge or mark on the glasses.  However, when I removed them for further inspection...nothing!  Took out my phone and clicked on the camera app...when that screen came UP my body went COLD!  WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!?!?!?

I have to contact my physician...if I still have one.  I have to go get this checked out and get it taken care of.  IT will not be ignored.  I have been waiting around NYC for something...IS THIS IT!?

I do not know.  I do know I am tired of living in sickness.  I have been living in sickness since...18.  28years...28 YEARS.  The thought of DEATH has been present and off to the left of my brain, but it has BEEN THERE.  I have imagined just how ugly, awful, painful...or not; messy, sad, and pathetic my dying would be.  Living In-Sickness has certainly informed my reticence for performing, "What if someone notices?!" 

 I recently read that the actor taking over the lead in HAMILTON [hot play of the moment] is HIV positive and out about it.  I LOVED hearing that.  Just as I LOVED hearing about Frank Ocean.  2 things I was ASSURED would never be allowed - a positive Leading Man in Pop Culture and an OUT, Partnered Black Male Pop Star.  I  have really got to check who I am listening to.

I wonder what is wrong now?  I have been checking my skin and eyes for any discolorations, rash, or Something...Nothing!!! I have continued on my regular routine...and biding my time until I get out of here.

I have been writing in cycles...for the past 6 years.  I was the same way until I went on tour.  I had something new to write about then...new discoveries and spaces to be explored.  However, being in NYC...will drive you mad...if you let it.  I have gotten what I need...many times over from this space, but now feel as though I do not know where to go.  But I know this already.

Sleep On iT...and get to work.

PEACE

BeNU