Reflections in the AFTERNOON SUN

Greetings...Bon Jour...Ca va
What goes on in and around my mind...tends to be reflected in the music that the shuffle tends to bring up in an around the house.

FAITH...in one of her finest.  Hmmm...PURE playlist.

I am not certain that people always believe I am the person I profess to be and to be BECOMING...better yet!  However, I come to be and I...I wonder if it isn't unsettling for some that I am.  I am equally curious just how much I should care.  LoL  I suppose...if I am in someone's house..living with...inhabiting their space...then  I suppose.  While it is cute...and gives me a giggle...my want...at the end of the day...is to show appreciation to Curtis for extending the space...and NOT offend My Boy!

That said...we gotta' get some Nag Champa...it is right downstairs at the over-priced Organic Spot...lol.

I am splayed out on the floor of the living room...about to step to the window and finish my blunt.  Harlem out the window and HUGHES on the brain.  Those twists of his brain...brought on, no doubt, because of his travels and subsequent returns to Harlem.  The inevitable comparisons to what is considered "proper" society and His own Negro Community had to be at the least curious and at the greatest AWFULly shocking.  I find myself understanding the ...seeming...indifference THOSE who have traveled treat NYC with now.  It's function is TRANSITORY...as I guess SHE is geared for...or so she is being SHAPED for at the moment.

The LOVE is still there...present, HOWEVER, this time I walk...with and not under...at the foot of..or anything of the like.  THIS TIME...despite everything to the contrary...I am doing my damndest to LIVE-IN and LOVE NYC...smartly.  I gotta' get a foothold on my finances, so I am actually making THIS work.

I am...FEEEEEELIN' something...in my giggle these days.  A warmth...a heat a strength a wanting...a yearning...I have seen the shifts...notice the angle twists playing-out in my face THESE DAYS.  Like My Hands Before-Me...My Skull reflects LIFE-AdMinistered Bumps Lumps Chunks Whittles and Whisps, an occasional Stitch or ten.

I am used to it...or at least that is what I like to believe.  I am certain that I have retained some residual something...in terms of insecurity.  However, I can't call it.  Just my voice.

I am going to get ready to bear my head to the sun.

Abientot

I believe I asked for this...to be NOW perched...in an open AIRY space...beside Morningside Park.  How in the world...did it come to this?  That the FINAL residence I am to occupy is...as I had...considered...lol...all those trips through THIS BRUSH on into Central Park for my laps this summer a Jalope'!!!ssssssss...Hmmm.

Wow...so, to FOCUS I say...BRAVO, I get it now.  I now appreciate that THIS IS A STUDIO...an EXPERIMENT...PROVE TO ME that I...CAN in NY...GIVEN THIS ENVIRONMENT.

CURTIS...my host.  Hmmm...too early to speak on that one.  Our personalities are somewhat extremes of one another.  MY BIKE BROTHER from the SUMMER, has turned into somewhat of an ANGE'...extending his space to me in a time of need...as I was to save money.  TRUE.  I have my weed, will get my food...and Metro Card this week...and cook.
[Lunches are killing me.  I am eating like...a ravenous...mal-nourished teen...eating everything I can swipe for...not to mention the free candy and treats Jackie...the beauty assistant receives from prospective featured MUST-HAVES!!! ;-)]
I have learned to live...LIVE like this.  And quite honestly...this feels...oddly...right...or something.  Not surprising...as if we are BOTH going to...ARE Benefiting from this arrangement.

So...we shall see.

It is FALL in NYC.

CENTRAL PARK

 Winter is upon us.

I have to either GET my clothes...[journal break]...

It is a time of nesting...I time to stay warm...get solid...bulk-up...allow for those muscle to thicken...same as the skin...to all that is swirling about out there.

I knew that I needed to fly low here.  I had the right idea all along - this TRIP was not...could not be about being OUT THERE...I'd done that already...to WHATEVER degree that was going to happen.  No, this trip was about the GRUNT.  YEAH, I did it to GET to PARIS, but had I EVER really done it to BE in Par...OOOPLALALA!!!..NYC!?! LoL  NO...and NOW, I have.  Especially as it pertains to fields I am actually interested in.  What I am NOT interested in is the OTHER that comes with trying to be APART of an organ...lol...the zation...cums later!!! ;-0

That said, I've learned with each step...just how I need to get out of here.  New York that is.  However, just like with everything else...it is a PROCESS.  I came back from PARIS PREPARED to ENDURE.  READY...if YOU will!!!  So, I am curious just how all of this will Play out.

I want my bike...got my WISDOM...get my vitals...doctor...address change...and voila...LIVE!!!

I am ...Not certain...why I play love songs at night...despite the location...however, I am really happy that I am...able.  It has been a minute since...

WELL...wait and see.  Be OPENed for the BEST, KNOWing  to EXPECT anything.

I am up at the CREST of NIGHT...shacked-up with another BURGEONING artist-FRIEND...1-Bedroom...Spacious Hardwood Floor...Sparsely, yet Artfully informed apt....looking out into the HARLEM night, once again...THIS TIME...the prespective...perspective has SHIFTED.
[This perspective reminds me of the rooftops of Paris...those that would look like an old grey and rust patchwork quilt across the landscape of my view by day...and a whispy Light Bright of window panes and illuminaires...tout le hue...on up and capping as the Tour Eiffel is spotted.]
It is coloured by an appreciation for LIFE LOVE SACRIFICE.

Yet Again

I am Opened

Yet again...

this evening

...2-ice.  

I can't quite comprehend what is swirling about...but IT IS swirling about.

The looooong, Loving conversation of Brother Lamar.  
MERCI BEACOUP...
Affirmations arrive a
t...just when they are supposed to.

I need to believe that...
know it.
Recognize it
...and vibe.


LIVE.

Be Smart...
Grow YOUR HeART.

Go Slow...and
 Make LIFE HAPPEN.

And then there is THIS gem:

Hmmm...

Merci Beaucoup

Bonne Nuit

So every once in a while I encounter a video on YOUTUBE or a movie that truly speaks to where I am...what I am about...what is going on inside my head...or what I aspire to.

l found just such a vision...here

Just this evening I determined MADAGASCAR 3 to be my night time flick du jour.

And...WOW...Hmmm...

Enjoy

...and that is JUST 

a PIECE of the PIE

...FULL-BODIED AND FUN.  

[Come to think of it, 

I have

 NEVER BEEN DISAPPOINTED 

by any 

of that SERIES of movies.]

Bonne Nuit.

SMARTER STRONGER FASTER...VRAIMENT!!!

GOOD MORNING

...or so I always say.

I am about to make way out onto the Brooklyn Boulevard, in search of some inexpensive grub.  I am going to come home...being Lem's.  I am in Brooklyn...on yet another cobble along my path.  I am occupying his space while his is out of town...directing.  WORK...so, here I have been...in BedStuy again.  Completing this circle so soon...why, YES.

Apparently, so.  I am cannot say that this hasn't been an equal swirl...in.  I came after living on another friend's floor...in her living room for a couple of weeks.  Ahh...the Caldwell name...Merci Beaucoup.  That said, it was...dorm-like...at best and yet another notch on my belt at worst.  I am certain that somewhere...at sometime when this story of mine is happened upon and appreciated...this gypsy period will certainly mark a joyous, whimsical transition.

Now...here I sit...munchies encroaching at a rapid pace, in Brooklyn...BedStuy...DO or DIE...pondering my next move.  It seems to make perfect sense.  I want to save money leave. By staying with Curtis I am able to do that.  I can help him out financially and help myself, as well.  Plus, I can get Jalope'!!!

So...there it is...THE Decision.  Now, the move.  I cannot take ANYMORE CRAZY...there I said it.  And I attract a motely crue ...if Albert was any evidence.  However, that departure manifested, I am far too appreciative of both he and Nicholas to speak ill of them...going forward, I believe I am strong enough to know I am going to need a...PLAN.  I am moving into another person's space.  I am attempting to start life anew...at this point.  I should jump at this opportunity...and be free with my thought and self.  Why am I NOT!?  What happened to me?  I Got Sick!  It grounded me in ways that have shaken me to my core and I have no idea how to rectify THAT.  While it is not killing me...it is driving me INSANE...lol.  I need a space where finding and flexing my voice will be appreciated.  

Thinkin' out loud y'all...

GUIDE MY FEET...along THIS PATH

...PLEASE.

I want to be free to again...feel the excitement of moving forward, as opposed to the apprehension.  I do NOT like THIS.  LoL  I know it has EVERYTHING to do with me NOT singing.  That is what I wanted...and allowed to define me through to Paris.  Now, I am shifting from Burrough to Burrough in the vain pursuit of a space suitable to find THAT LOVE again...although I KNOW THAT IS NOT WHAT I CAME HERE FOR!!!

[BOOM]

I came to HEAL. My experiences...all of them have INFORMED this path.  When I consider this trip...I cannot not doubt myself one bit...or I shouldn't.  I love...LOVE my FAMILY and those that have stepped up to recognize [however trepiditiously... ;-)] evolution.  I needed it...to recognize IT in me.  I came to look my HEALTH...and progress in the eye - addressing all of my ISSUES, so that moving forward this WELLNESS CENTER makes perfect SENSE...for and from ME.

I have worked tirelessly in every facet of NYI used to inhabit, with a perspective informed by having tasted MY WANT, as well as my exasperation with foolishness.  When it is ART I am there.  When it is NOT...I giggle!  ;-)  I am too old for some of this ISH and still seem to find folly in others.

I need a home for the winter and now I have one...in the center of HARLEM.  Wow.

REST, 

WRITE, 

WORK, 

CONDITION, 

PREPARE, 

LIVE, 

FOCUS, 

LEARN, 

GROW

...PEACE

Ok, that said...

I am ...going forward...to Harlem and...

LIVE, LIVE, LIVE

Time to FEAST!!!

PEACE

ImpLORE

Brother, Brother, 

Brother o mine...

Why can't you see

 just how FINE...

...You ARE?

BeNU

GHOSTS of MANHATTAN

I have been working...assisting CJ on this project - GHOSTS of MANHATTAN.  This...AMAZING, SMART, BEAUTIFUL, INSIGHTFUL, TIMELY, LOVING piece is created and choreographed by my NEW FRIEND Maija Garcia.  I first met Maija casually just prior to departing for Paris...the last time.  It turns out that she is responsible for my FELA seat...MERCI BEAUCOUP!!!  She was the Associate Choreographer for the production.  Merci Beaucoup Carlton!!!

So, fast forward to this production...pulled-in by Carlton.  Working with these spiritual, connected, artists...supporting and collaborating on a friend's vision.  BEAUTIFUL for me...in HARLEM...closure is...I am getting ahead of myself...lol.

This came at a time when I was really beginning to FEEL the need for closure from NYC, recognizing I HAVE LIVED MY NY and LOVED EVERY SECOND OF IT.  Returning to this place...in THIS SPACE I AM IN...has afforded me great closure on my NYC Experience, but has also been wrought with reminders of ...ways I could have POSSIBLY made a wrong...THAT I DO NOT WANT.  TRUTH...is one thing.  That I accept.  However, I am...and have been, for as long as I can remember, one who dotes on his FUCK-UPs, FOIBLES & FUN-TIMES...for that is HOW I AM.  So, I recognize that departure is necessary, for my MATURE self can't always resolve THAT and I want not to be made to feel badly for anything that MAKES ME BE ABLE TO BE ALIVE ONE MORE DAY...ME!

In the throws of arriving at all of this...in my head, Opening Night comes. 

I'd just returned from checking on Brad, after the passing of his mother in Ambler and returned to the reality that you may just loose a job, when opting for family.  AND UNDERSTAND WHY...:-)!!!  Hardknocks, but LOVE.  No problem... I'll STAY BUSY HELPING CARLTON.  [That is a Lovingly-SNEEKY one...lol.  It is almost as though he knew...PAY ATTENTION.  

And I am sweating through the sweltering Humidity NYC hit us with...a bit of WISDOM, but mostly...in NATURE SWEATING and LISTENING...despite myself.

Weary and annoyed from my bald-spot downpour...lol...I am focused on making sure these dancers of every hue sex and shape and personality are ready!  THAT HIT ME.  I thought about our dressers for the opera and how attentive they'd been to detail...only to see that same attention to detail in Carlton.  I saw the way we were scrambling and adjusting.  I watched the inter-play amongst the performers...and REMEMBER THAT!!!
[ I told LEM this morning...I LOVE THAT ROUTINE.  I LOVE GETTING UP EVERYDAY KNOWING I AM GOING TO...THIS....GOTO SLEEP and LOVE GETTING UP to START THE PROCESS ALL OVER AGAIN.  I LOVEd THAT!!!]

I watched and remembered.  Then I considered just what they were doing - fleshing out an artistic representation of just NYC came to be from 1812 to the Present.  The same thing I have been doing...in essence, since arriving back here.  REVISTING the evolution of MY STEPS in NYC.  From Birth to Now. I went to Ol' Gay PARIS...present, strong, with a clear vision and purpose...determined to flesh it out.  I returned to NYC for a recharge...got it.  In THAT process, I have bore witness to my own GHOSTS of MANHATTAN and found that I do not need to RE-VISIT...I LIVED IT!  GO FORWARD.

This production...the process of being a part of this team - conceptualizing, shopping-the-market, research, fittings, subway, texting, in-the-mix, rehearsals in SOHO...now outdoor performances in Ft.Tryon Park...the personalities and the purpose of this presentation have served as an EVER-TIMELY reminder for ...of ME.

I soaked it up...lovely.  I am thankful, once again for my friends FRESH and SEASONED...STOMP along this path...giving guidance...in every way possible for me.  I appreciate it.  I get it.

The punctuations have come.  The closure that I spoke of earlier is eminent.  Just as my day of departure from NYC comes closer.  I am so ready for NEW, NEXT steps it hurts.

The Show closes tonight.  This show closes tonight.

SHOW and PROVE 

4 U 2 U 

4 WE.

Merci Beaucoup