So I have noticed a curious development to the never-ending parallels my Parisian experience has with that of James Baldwin. I have noticed, in much the same fashion I am so annoyingly used to in NYC, that EVERY TIME I enter an (public) establishment - especially the marche - security appears out of no where. They just stand there, but they are there...staring...trying desperately to appear discreet, but AWFULLY attentive! At times I feel like they would unpack my cart if I let them.
This is curious because, as tensions have increased in the Middle East and North Africa...and the Sun has decided once again that the picturesque blue of Paris skies suits her, I am once again walking La Rue with all of my ethnic fervor. This coincides with the legions of eager tourists and war-torn immigrants flooding onto French soil. Couple this with the already warped sense of EVERYBODY [but YOU] are welcome/We are NOT racist, but we will still visibly snatch purses and children from your perceived path...and well, it is making me downright Indignant as I negotiate the streets.
All of this brings me back to James Baldwin...THE PRICE of THE TICKET...where he likened the plight of the North Africans and Algerians he bore witness to someTHING all too familiar. He observed that while as an American he enjoyed a certain liberty that French-born brown-folk could never enjoy, this made him even more aware that his Beige Brothers and Sisters were treated as THE NIGGERS of France/Paris. They are.
As a Black American...who is adopted and clearly of questionable mix...I had taken an almost aloof stance regarding race here. I naively believed the lore regarding race relations in Paris - come, be you and be accepted! Coming here from NYC, having had french and African friends speak so highly of the city, I expected a foreign reflection of NYC. The only problem is...I got it...in the worst ways.
I have seen more than my fair share of French acceptance, as these folk never fail to stare...giggle...run...sneer...be rude...or just downright obnoxious in my presence. As the winter wore on...and my health began to be challenged, dealing with all of this stressed me to the point of disillusionment. Now, scarred...and anxious to once again dance in the Sun...I find my spirit grey-d-out by the fallacy that is inherent to being...OVER Paris.
The Niggers of this city do as all do - endure. Being an outsider, being of Middle-Class American stock, being a Morehouse Man, Being an artist and thinker...being a Man...I find all of this troubling. I want to say, "Do NOT look my way, unless you are coming to say, Hey!!!"
Otherwise...nigger-shit will be coming!
Thankfully...sadly...they are off to the next THEM to ooogle....UUUUUUGH!!!
au revoir
Monday, April 18, 2011
Sunday, April 03, 2011
Pre-quel
C'est Bon!!!
Just getting in...WISDOM true all day, but not a lot of weed! Feel Me!? Check the songs on FB...that'll let you know where I am...was.
I believe the ex of a friend tried to pick me up today...and I just dismissed it.
A Bandmate on some OTHER shit...hallucegenic, that is. Peer Pressure...REALLY!?!?!? I am not 16...BEAT IT!!!
I HAVE HAD TO BE SO...exhaustively honest today.
Finished the night off in the company of rastas - my boy here and an artist from Brooklyn, by way of California. Everything about that last experience w...is beautiful!!! Gotta' take it where you can get it, huh!?
WISDOM
Finally...I can exhaaaaaale!!! Brotha' I am tense...lol...not in a good way. I do NOT like that. The Sun was BLAAAAAZING today and I was inside...until about 4. WHA?!
[Hope you were able to make the proper entrance at this House Party.]
There are about 4 parties going on outside my window...with folks screaming and scream-singing things to one another, drunk hanging out of windows. uUuUuGhh
WISDOM
Now that I am awake...gonna' write, as FIP is killing it.
[check my latest blog entry]
Bon NUIT!!!
Saturday, April 02, 2011
Rambling On...
I am navigating uncharted territories...again. However, this time...it ain't so plain and simple. It is odd to have escaped harm's grasp only to find that freedom creating an even more uncomfortable space. Yes, this IS temporary...in the spirit of balance I am forced to believe this. However, this is truly...TRYING MY PATIENCE.
Settling into my flight...I assumed would be the hardest step for me to take. I am now being made aware that I am not the only 1 experiencing discomfort. I have been here...almost a year. I have had to happily, lovingly, openly, directly, clearly, passionately, purposefully, honestly, fearfully determine just how my footfalls would find this new terrain. I have been broke beyond belief and exhilarated beyond measure. I have faced EVERY fear that found folly with my dreams [although I still have yet to see a stage] and some I never even knew existed. I have had to call upon every bit of my wits to make some plausible sense of this investment...this sacrifice. I have had an unyielding determination unearth itself that has bolstered me...emboldened me against [just about] anything that would come up.
I have been stared at, stared down, coughed-on, spit at, sneezed into, been the recipient of my fair share of cryptic responses, shade, downright rudeness and aloof French sensibilities. I have seen my truth questioned and rejected by those feigning friendship, while still others just wanted to be around...and [hopefully] watch the car crash and burn. I have endured mocking looks, placating posturing, and pitiful ploys to trip me up and shake my resolve.
I have lived in conditions that only Dickens can find romantic.
I have done all this as a show of good faith to my own doubtful foundation and focus. Once you determine that you ARE going to live life and follow your dreams...the expectation of ease should go right out the door with other old ways. I believe the most surprising reactions/response are coming from those that I have lovingly and tirelessly supported, all the while holding my breath...awaiting the safe space to inhale, analyze, process and LIVE.
As I come into Spring...Printemps...and the light begins to shed truth on this crackling facade, I am startled into the reality of how folks grow comfortable with your complacency...and existing in confusion. I do not know what is at the root of my yearning for LOVE, LIFE, LEARNING...other than Art, possibly ADD [self-diagnosed] and Opportunity.
A couple of years ago, as I lay in a hospital bed, in Atlanta and gazing out onto the jagged skyline I determined that I once I got out...was released...got THROUGH yet another FUCKup...I would be free and TRULY follow my dreams. I determined, after seeing the disgust in my father's form and the fragile grip of my mother's hug I would find a way to make them know I am NOT Crazy. I determined that I would no longer give lip-service to those brothers and sisters who had bore witness to my flighty evolution and put in the work. So, I moved back to NYC...went through ME...and as I once again seemed to escape death's ugly demise, I determined to get to a space where creating was possible.
Fast forward 3 years...I am experiencing everything that comes with True LOVE and focus. As I recounted to my band mate Julien, I am literally seeing, hearing, and feeling things I'd only seen at bad TV movies. In-keeping with the "My-Life-is-a-Sitcom" thing I'd noticed some 30years ago, Paris has been no less...entertaining and aggravating.
I am getting older. I am literally staring at 40. I will address that later. So to, are those that I know and love. I will take a page from my Brother David's book. He has been able to finesse his way OUT of my mix as it got more extreme. He is someone who knows my heart, as he never hesitates to place the mirror right before my eyes & soul. I have NO LESS LOVE in my being for this man...in fact, his focus on-LIFE has only served to do as his presence has always done - make me know it is possible. Be the bigger man, I say.
I thought that I was being the bigger man...and had grown to be friends & family with BIGGER Men and Women...especially in the final NY days.
[I have been lovingly, surprisingly, startlingly focused here. I Love it. I am often forced into the realization that my life would have been so...[waste]...it IS happening now. I want those closest to me to share in this love I have discovered for Life, Language, and Art anew. I am not accustomed to this...abject indignation.]
The Price of EVERYTHING is far too great in Paris. However, it has forced me to determine my worth, demarcate my values, and disregard anything NOT contributing to my success...and happiness. I know what I need to succeed in a way that truly makes me fulfilled - Fresh Fruit & Veggies; ample and available WISDOM; hearty, honest, invigorating exchanges; friends/family; and art - a space to express.
Growing older is only made crazy by those it makes crazy. I love every etching my face now hosts, for it is an indicator of experience. It is impossible to stop time...it keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the future. The onus is on us to embrace that which we have no control over, for that which we do [have control over] requires every bit of our focus.
Uncharted territory is never easy to navigate and while my hope...want...wish is that those I have grown into knowing would continue to serve as beacons, this uncertainty is not going to ground me. I am naively curious about life...and oddly enough only really fearful of those things I know, so the unknown is a wonder I am anxious to explore.
and it always has been.
Just Being me.
Settling into my flight...I assumed would be the hardest step for me to take. I am now being made aware that I am not the only 1 experiencing discomfort. I have been here...almost a year. I have had to happily, lovingly, openly, directly, clearly, passionately, purposefully, honestly, fearfully determine just how my footfalls would find this new terrain. I have been broke beyond belief and exhilarated beyond measure. I have faced EVERY fear that found folly with my dreams [although I still have yet to see a stage] and some I never even knew existed. I have had to call upon every bit of my wits to make some plausible sense of this investment...this sacrifice. I have had an unyielding determination unearth itself that has bolstered me...emboldened me against [just about] anything that would come up.
I have been stared at, stared down, coughed-on, spit at, sneezed into, been the recipient of my fair share of cryptic responses, shade, downright rudeness and aloof French sensibilities. I have seen my truth questioned and rejected by those feigning friendship, while still others just wanted to be around...and [hopefully] watch the car crash and burn. I have endured mocking looks, placating posturing, and pitiful ploys to trip me up and shake my resolve.
I have lived in conditions that only Dickens can find romantic.
I have subsisted on a diet that only birds can survive from. [hmmm...] I have abstained (regardless of Halloween Candy) from doing something that came sooooo naturally to me that my body physically went through withdrawls...
[Comfort of a Man - Stephanie Mills].
I have done all this as a show of good faith to my own doubtful foundation and focus. Once you determine that you ARE going to live life and follow your dreams...the expectation of ease should go right out the door with other old ways. I believe the most surprising reactions/response are coming from those that I have lovingly and tirelessly supported, all the while holding my breath...awaiting the safe space to inhale, analyze, process and LIVE.
As I come into Spring...Printemps...and the light begins to shed truth on this crackling facade, I am startled into the reality of how folks grow comfortable with your complacency...and existing in confusion. I do not know what is at the root of my yearning for LOVE, LIFE, LEARNING...other than Art, possibly ADD [self-diagnosed] and Opportunity.
A couple of years ago, as I lay in a hospital bed, in Atlanta and gazing out onto the jagged skyline I determined that I once I got out...was released...got THROUGH yet another FUCKup...I would be free and TRULY follow my dreams. I determined, after seeing the disgust in my father's form and the fragile grip of my mother's hug I would find a way to make them know I am NOT Crazy. I determined that I would no longer give lip-service to those brothers and sisters who had bore witness to my flighty evolution and put in the work. So, I moved back to NYC...went through ME...and as I once again seemed to escape death's ugly demise, I determined to get to a space where creating was possible.
Fast forward 3 years...I am experiencing everything that comes with True LOVE and focus. As I recounted to my band mate Julien, I am literally seeing, hearing, and feeling things I'd only seen at bad TV movies. In-keeping with the "My-Life-is-a-Sitcom" thing I'd noticed some 30years ago, Paris has been no less...entertaining and aggravating.
I am getting older. I am literally staring at 40. I will address that later. So to, are those that I know and love. I will take a page from my Brother David's book. He has been able to finesse his way OUT of my mix as it got more extreme. He is someone who knows my heart, as he never hesitates to place the mirror right before my eyes & soul. I have NO LESS LOVE in my being for this man...in fact, his focus on-LIFE has only served to do as his presence has always done - make me know it is possible. Be the bigger man, I say.
I thought that I was being the bigger man...and had grown to be friends & family with BIGGER Men and Women...especially in the final NY days.
[I have been lovingly, surprisingly, startlingly focused here. I Love it. I am often forced into the realization that my life would have been so...[waste]...it IS happening now. I want those closest to me to share in this love I have discovered for Life, Language, and Art anew. I am not accustomed to this...abject indignation.]
The Price of EVERYTHING is far too great in Paris. However, it has forced me to determine my worth, demarcate my values, and disregard anything NOT contributing to my success...and happiness. I know what I need to succeed in a way that truly makes me fulfilled - Fresh Fruit & Veggies; ample and available WISDOM; hearty, honest, invigorating exchanges; friends/family; and art - a space to express.
Growing older is only made crazy by those it makes crazy. I love every etching my face now hosts, for it is an indicator of experience. It is impossible to stop time...it keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the future. The onus is on us to embrace that which we have no control over, for that which we do [have control over] requires every bit of our focus.
Uncharted territory is never easy to navigate and while my hope...want...wish is that those I have grown into knowing would continue to serve as beacons, this uncertainty is not going to ground me. I am naively curious about life...and oddly enough only really fearful of those things I know, so the unknown is a wonder I am anxious to explore.
My TRUTH is.
and it always has been.
Just Being me.
More cohesive thoughts coming.
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