Settling into my flight...I assumed would be the hardest step for me to take. I am now being made aware that I am not the only 1 experiencing discomfort. I have been here...almost a year. I have had to happily, lovingly, openly, directly, clearly, passionately, purposefully, honestly, fearfully determine just how my footfalls would find this new terrain. I have been broke beyond belief and exhilarated beyond measure. I have faced EVERY fear that found folly with my dreams [although I still have yet to see a stage] and some I never even knew existed. I have had to call upon every bit of my wits to make some plausible sense of this investment...this sacrifice. I have had an unyielding determination unearth itself that has bolstered me...emboldened me against [just about] anything that would come up.
I have been stared at, stared down, coughed-on, spit at, sneezed into, been the recipient of my fair share of cryptic responses, shade, downright rudeness and aloof French sensibilities. I have seen my truth questioned and rejected by those feigning friendship, while still others just wanted to be around...and [hopefully] watch the car crash and burn. I have endured mocking looks, placating posturing, and pitiful ploys to trip me up and shake my resolve.
I have lived in conditions that only Dickens can find romantic.
I have subsisted on a diet that only birds can survive from. [hmmm...] I have abstained (regardless of Halloween Candy) from doing something that came sooooo naturally to me that my body physically went through withdrawls...
[Comfort of a Man - Stephanie Mills].
I have done all this as a show of good faith to my own doubtful foundation and focus. Once you determine that you ARE going to live life and follow your dreams...the expectation of ease should go right out the door with other old ways. I believe the most surprising reactions/response are coming from those that I have lovingly and tirelessly supported, all the while holding my breath...awaiting the safe space to inhale, analyze, process and LIVE.
As I come into Spring...Printemps...and the light begins to shed truth on this crackling facade, I am startled into the reality of how folks grow comfortable with your complacency...and existing in confusion. I do not know what is at the root of my yearning for LOVE, LIFE, LEARNING...other than Art, possibly ADD [self-diagnosed] and Opportunity.
A couple of years ago, as I lay in a hospital bed, in Atlanta and gazing out onto the jagged skyline I determined that I once I got out...was released...got THROUGH yet another FUCKup...I would be free and TRULY follow my dreams. I determined, after seeing the disgust in my father's form and the fragile grip of my mother's hug I would find a way to make them know I am NOT Crazy. I determined that I would no longer give lip-service to those brothers and sisters who had bore witness to my flighty evolution and put in the work. So, I moved back to NYC...went through ME...and as I once again seemed to escape death's ugly demise, I determined to get to a space where creating was possible.
Fast forward 3 years...I am experiencing everything that comes with True LOVE and focus. As I recounted to my band mate Julien, I am literally seeing, hearing, and feeling things I'd only seen at bad TV movies. In-keeping with the "My-Life-is-a-Sitcom" thing I'd noticed some 30years ago, Paris has been no less...entertaining and aggravating.
I am getting older. I am literally staring at 40. I will address that later. So to, are those that I know and love. I will take a page from my Brother David's book. He has been able to finesse his way OUT of my mix as it got more extreme. He is someone who knows my heart, as he never hesitates to place the mirror right before my eyes & soul. I have NO LESS LOVE in my being for this man...in fact, his focus on-LIFE has only served to do as his presence has always done - make me know it is possible. Be the bigger man, I say.
I thought that I was being the bigger man...and had grown to be friends & family with BIGGER Men and Women...especially in the final NY days.
[I have been lovingly, surprisingly, startlingly focused here. I Love it. I am often forced into the realization that my life would have been so...[waste]...it IS happening now. I want those closest to me to share in this love I have discovered for Life, Language, and Art anew. I am not accustomed to this...abject indignation.]
The Price of EVERYTHING is far too great in Paris. However, it has forced me to determine my worth, demarcate my values, and disregard anything NOT contributing to my success...and happiness. I know what I need to succeed in a way that truly makes me fulfilled - Fresh Fruit & Veggies; ample and available WISDOM; hearty, honest, invigorating exchanges; friends/family; and art - a space to express.
Growing older is only made crazy by those it makes crazy. I love every etching my face now hosts, for it is an indicator of experience. It is impossible to stop time...it keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the future. The onus is on us to embrace that which we have no control over, for that which we do [have control over] requires every bit of our focus.
Uncharted territory is never easy to navigate and while my hope...want...wish is that those I have grown into knowing would continue to serve as beacons, this uncertainty is not going to ground me. I am naively curious about life...and oddly enough only really fearful of those things I know, so the unknown is a wonder I am anxious to explore.
My TRUTH is.
and it always has been.
Just Being me.
More cohesive thoughts coming.
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