CYCLES...

... are those patterns of behavior that demonstrate CRAZY.

[ Like the notion of coming back to NYC  

and expecting that 

I am going to be navigate the city in MUCH the same way I had before. 

 NOTHING is the same - Me, the City, Paris...even - 

so, why would I expect that I'd be able to do that? 

 Although, to be fair, I am actually ACTING just as I had...while in Paris. 

 However, sometimes I feel like people expect me to be acting the same way.]  

I am not interested in repeating [any] CYCLES of behavior I employed before.  While the social aspect of my personality I can certainly...employ, there are other facets of my being that are better left contained until NYC is a WELCOME MEMORY.

Until then, as I sa...witnessed in My Brother CHAD's eyes last week, it would behoove me to...BE NEW.  It is funny how that works...finds you.  I had declared 7 years ago BeNU to my NAME...MINE...MY SPIRIT/ART BEING...not knowing why or JUST WHAT that meant for me.  I have tried, during my exploration into the meaning of the word [ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bennu ], to force the word or it's presence in my life on any number of circumstances - from my health to my artistic being, to my survival in foreign lands and/or my music.  However, it wasn't until I was forced to sit, penniless, in Harlem, with my voice BUBBLING BACK [Merci Beaucoup] and MY MIND Slowing to a CLEARING...lol...[ahhhh WISDOM]...a WELL-SPRING of experiences at my fingertips/informing my mind-talent-sensibilities...BREATHING and THINKING...that I REALIZED THE CYCLE.

BeNU

I have NO DESIRE to TRY and negotiate NYC again.  I wanted to be here JUST long enough to get healthy enough to leave*.  That is the THING about NYC - unless you can afford to just be in and out...and STICK TO THAT...at some point...lol...she begins to encroach...tax your presence.  That is beginning for me.  It is the beginning of the summer...and I AM... WILL NOT BE A BROKE ASS IN NYC.  NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!!!!  LOL  NOT THE LOOK I AM WANTING...FOR ME...ARTIST or NOT!!!   Hmmm...

That said...CYCLES...as long as they are focused on the healthy are good...ok.

- I just had a flashback of walking from my flat in the 3eme, 

through where Martin lived...that winding street, 

lined with small sandwich shops and bars; 

Grand Boulevard

...and the feeling of heat and hunger

..loosing to determination, 

as I navigated those dry, HOT, rue..

.Up through to the 9eme and to the treehouse.

http://www.chpak.com/#!music

Chad has taken the time...and I appreciate it...to make sure I am aware of just why shouldn't be mad about where I am and just what I have accomplished.  He refuses to left me...BACKSLIDE.   I realized that I am not certain just how I should interpret the reactions to my presence and art...always.  I do know that I am MUCH MORE in my head about it!!! [Can't help it, force of habit...Paris!!!!]  In any event, I realize I am looking for some...THING - validation, qualification, a handshake and or on the flip-side - disgust.  All of these I have gotten...in some form or fashion since being back in NYC.  Interestingly enough, these experiences have served simply to punctuate just why I left and need to continue on...elsewhere.

CYCLES...I am not so much interested creating any new ones...that are not positive...or at least in-line with where I see myself...going.  Where is that?  Hmmm...

-Time-to-do-The-Push-Ups-

www.freewillastrology.com

Aries Horoscope for week of May 24, 2012

"My soul is a fire that suffers if it doesn't burn," said Jean Prevost, a writer and hero of the French Resistance during World War II. "I need three or four cubic feet of new ideas every day, as a steamboat needs coal." Your soul may not be quite as blazing as his, Aries, and you may normally be able to get along fine with just a few cubic inches of new ideas per day. But I expect that in the next three to four weeks, you will both need and yearn to generate Prevost-type levels of heat and light. Please make sure you're getting a steady supply of the necessary fuel. 

All of creation loves you very much. Even now, people you know and people you don't know are collaborating to make sure you have all you need to make your next smart move.

Hmmm...

CROSSROADS

I had a panic-attack recently.  Right on the corner of 125th and Lenox - a spot I had traversed...sooooo many times over the last 10 years negotiating To and Fro in NYC.  As I stood with my Best Brother of over 20years, waxing witty on all the caricatures we were baring witness to, I began to replay - in my mind - the many different permutations of ME that had traversed that same corner...and then it stopped.  MY BREATH.  I have often been accused of holding my breath...in LIFE...so, when I slipped-into this state I wasn't IMMEDIATELY alarmed.  It was me woozing back, zoning-out, and glazing-into this surreal review of my time a NYC...that made me know just what was going on.

I thought the WISDOM got the best of me, so I tried to breath...and got scared...NOTHING.  I looked to my left and to my right...but my boy was standing in front of me.  I was alone.  After having really WORKED the streets of HARLEM...and NYC...and BK...and ...lol [you get the picture]...and to STILL BE STANDING THERE...shook me to the core!!!

The reality is I am not the same person who had inhabited Les Boulevards de NYC over the past 10 years.  Paris had given me time to BLOOM, it would seem.  I shed the skins...the cocoon borne out of the LIFE I'd lived in NYC.  I painstakingly eeeked out my every dream; tirelessly fleshin-out my passion and LOVINGLY meeting and greeting every kind of man...woman and child I could have ever imagined.  Taking this thickened skin...shell...CLAY...hmmm...to the City of Lights - the storied destination of so many artists, painters, writers, musicians, actors, sculptors, etc...it only makes sense that SHE would LAY HANDS on ME.  By Lay Hands - I mean mold.

Away from the frenetic, distracting pace of this Harlem corner, I was able to employ and test every skill, talent, trick of trade I'd gained in NYC, with ...Thankfully... little truly harmful damage.  Paris laid her arrogant tenticles all over me...and while she made me HATE HER...lol... in the process [the French have a habit of doing that...sometimes], I can't say I am mad about the end result...confounded, maybe.

Truth is, there is a need to panic if I do not have a plan...for me.  There is a need to panic if I feel as though I cannot be smart about LIVING and have FUN at the same time.  THERE IS A NEED TO PANIC...if I suddenly determine I CAN NO LONGER AFFORD TO TAKE RISKS.  There IS a need to PANIC IF I thought GIVING UP might make things better...easier...stop.  There IS a NEED to PANIC if PASSION CAN NO LONGER FIND the LIGHT.  There IS a NEED to PANIC if SUDDENLY I can NO LONGER Muster a SMILE...from my SOUL.

Truth is, standing on that corner...with LIFE and TIME swaggering by... I realized that I had come to a place where I clearly, unapologetically see, recognize, have contextualized ALL of THE layers of insulation afforded me through my living in NYC...down to those things that truly applied to my life and living and LOVING going forward.  NYC was...is not a part of that.

All of the reasons were cursing and cruising; stepping, popping, ramping, tramping and lampin'; politicking and tricking; aching for trade while selling shitty lemonade - all in the hopes of MAKING THEIR MARK. [ Funny thing about NYC - it a place all about MAKING your MARK...YOUR SPACE to SHINE.  Problem is...there are SOOOOO MANY PEOPLE trying to do the same thing...that SPACE is the last thing anyone who is TRYING, VYING, SCHEMiNG and PLYING for can AFFORD.]  Those that can, pay dearly for they have.

Being away afforded me the opportunity to realize that I can ACTUALIZE my DREAMS outside THIS Hustle n Bustle.  Being outside of THIS afforded me the OPPORTUNITY to gauge just how the OTHERs LIVE.  Being apart from this, made me know I CAN...COULD BE a PART of SOMETHING else...BETTER To & FOR ME!!!

Being Back...On this Corner...at THAT POINT...in a PANIC...BREATH BATED...41...HEALTHY...STRONG...CONFOUNDED, but CLEEEEEEEEEEEEAR... Hmmmm...made me REMEMBER to BREATH.  I AM HERE.  I AM NOT WHO I WAS - Fuck-Ups*Foibles*FunTimes, BUT WHO I AM.

My greatest...simplest clearest decision I had to make, as I stood WILLFULLY DISTRACTED by ALL of HARLEM's CARICATURES...was where to go from tHERE.
Hmmm...


 Merci Beaucoup La Belles - NYC[HARLEM] et Paris