[ Like the notion of coming back to NYC
and expecting that
I am going to be navigate the city in MUCH the same way I had before.
NOTHING is the same - Me, the City, Paris...even -
so, why would I expect that I'd be able to do that?
Although, to be fair, I am actually ACTING just as I had...while in Paris.
However, sometimes I feel like people expect me to be acting the same way.]
I am not interested in repeating [any] CYCLES of behavior I employed before. While the social aspect of my personality I can certainly...employ, there are other facets of my being that are better left contained until NYC is a WELCOME MEMORY.
Until then, as I sa...witnessed in My Brother CHAD's eyes last week, it would behoove me to...BE NEW. It is funny how that works...finds you. I had declared 7 years ago BeNU to my NAME...MINE...MY SPIRIT/ART BEING...not knowing why or JUST WHAT that meant for me. I have tried, during my exploration into the meaning of the word [ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bennu ], to force the word or it's presence in my life on any number of circumstances - from my health to my artistic being, to my survival in foreign lands and/or my music. However, it wasn't until I was forced to sit, penniless, in Harlem, with my voice BUBBLING BACK [Merci Beaucoup] and MY MIND Slowing to a CLEARING...lol...[ahhhh WISDOM]...a WELL-SPRING of experiences at my fingertips/informing my mind-talent-sensibilities...BREATHING and THINKING...that I REALIZED THE CYCLE.
BeNU
I have NO DESIRE to TRY and negotiate NYC again. I wanted to be here JUST long enough to get healthy enough to leave*. That is the THING about NYC - unless you can afford to just be in and out...and STICK TO THAT...at some point...lol...she begins to encroach...tax your presence. That is beginning for me. It is the beginning of the summer...and I AM... WILL NOT BE A BROKE ASS IN NYC. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!!!! LOL NOT THE LOOK I AM WANTING...FOR ME...ARTIST or NOT!!! Hmmm...
That said...CYCLES...as long as they are focused on the healthy are good...ok.
- I just had a flashback of walking from my flat in the 3eme,
through where Martin lived...that winding street,
lined with small sandwich shops and bars;
Grand Boulevard
...and the feeling of heat and hunger
..loosing to determination,
as I navigated those dry, HOT, rue..
.Up through to the 9eme and to the treehouse.
Chad has taken the time...and I appreciate it...to make sure I am aware of just why shouldn't be mad about where I am and just what I have accomplished. He refuses to left me...BACKSLIDE. I realized that I am not certain just how I should interpret the reactions to my presence and art...always. I do know that I am MUCH MORE in my head about it!!! [Can't help it, force of habit...Paris!!!!] In any event, I realize I am looking for some...THING - validation, qualification, a handshake and or on the flip-side - disgust. All of these I have gotten...in some form or fashion since being back in NYC. Interestingly enough, these experiences have served simply to punctuate just why I left and need to continue on...elsewhere.
CYCLES...I am not so much interested creating any new ones...that are not positive...or at least in-line with where I see myself...going. Where is that? Hmmm...
-Time-to-do-The-Push-Ups-
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