Sit With It...

WICKED

Hmmm...

Merci Pour le reminder...

 Mon Frere Kamarake!!!

PEACE

Current Aural Fixations

sustenance more suitable for MY soul

"Looking for a place to live. Looking for a job. You begin to doubt your 

judgment, you begin to doubt everything. You become imprecise. And that’s 

when you’re beginning to go under. You’ve been beaten, and it’s been 

deliberate. The whole society has decided to make you nothing. And they don’t 

even know they’re doing it."


-James Baldwin, Paris Review
[http://www.theparisreview.org/interviews/2994/the-art-of-fiction-no-78-james-baldwin#.UU8_1UUDFkY.facebook]

The irony of reading this today...is not lost on me.  This quote is part of an amazing interview given by James Baldwin - The Paris Review, Spring 1984.  This one excerpt, viewed while I was working in a friend's showroom...just after another friend admitted that she was not going to be able to afford me as an assistant in Ga...perfectly articulated just how I found myself feeling...at hat moment.  [I had been asking repeatedly, via e-mail...only to receive cryptic responses.]  I am certain that my repeated intimations about my needing to visit my parents let her know that I was serious.  I could see in her face see was...trying to find a way to finesse telling me...brutal honesty winning-out in the end.  For that reason, I know she is just handling her business.   

So here is my thing about this quote, as well as NYC - it is exactly where I feel I am.  I 
am sooooooooooooooo wanting to leave here...this place...this space...before it does something really wrong to my spirit...and I am BROKEN...fo' REAL!



I am so confused at this point.  Perhaps the clarity that comes with stopping to breath...is more than I am willing to admit to!?  Perhaps that anxiety I am harboring is reflective of far more than I am willing to own up to.

I am around folks who know the details...pay attention to the signs and are looking at me screw-face.  Why?  Of that I am not sure...but I know the uncertainty is unnerving, even if the reason is positive. 

I am not DEAD YET...that scares people when I say that, but perhaps they do not know how that re-assures me.  Meaning, I have another day to LIVE...to GROW...to LEARN...LOVE...ACT...and WIN.

Folks are constantly asking...wondering...confounded by why I cannot perform in NYC.  I don't know.  

I want to make sure that if...WHEN that happens it is Go...GREAT!  I ONLY know...FEEL like I know MAJOR...in terms of musicians.  I need to demonstrate that I actually AM WHAT I AM - an ARTIST...A VOCALIST...A WRITER...A CRITICAL THINKER...A NECESSARY VOICE...but where? and for what?

- To be fair this is the very beginning of the article.  However, early on JB is mirroring my sentiments regarding NYC.  I am running from NYC, not JUST because I feel as though I no longer fit here...I knew that when I left, so there is no surprise there.  I am Running from NYC...bec...PASQUE, je vais tranquil ecrivan la musique avec mes amis Julien et Martin.  There is something about the bond formed during struggle.  We created more than music.  I know how Julien feels about his art...and the conflict he is going through.  I wanted to be there to be able to continue creating with him.  That couldn't...didn't happen.  So, I am NOT running from NYC, but MOVING TO My LIFE and MUSIC.  NYC is great...amazing, but no one place can be everything for everybody.  It has grown out of being that for me.  I have tasted more...sustenance more suitable for MY soul.

I want this to NOT be the end...lost in Crown Heights...My Dreams...

MY WORK...MY LIFE lost to the very ...AFFLICTION I find in NYC...James Baldwin was speaking to!  

I AM HE THAT KNOWS THERE IS ANOTHER WAY.  I know ...see those that are following THAT Path and recognize them.  I know that I am not perfect, but I am doing what I can to CONTINUE ...SEE THROUGH that which I'd BEGUN in Paris.  

Both James Baldwin and I left NYC because the city had begun to tug our spirit in all the wrong ways.  He arrived with $40.00.  I arrived with much more...and left with much, much less.  Paris didn't break me, but worked ALL that FAT off the BONE.  I came back RAW...clear and UNACCEPTING of those odd AMERICAN-isms...I had once, so effortlessly embraced and embodied.  

My music isn't here.  The city inspires and confounds...DISTRACTS me.  I thought I'd be stronger and perhaps this coming year in BK I will be.  [Let's DO IT, Mel!!!]

Well, the onus then, IS on me.  

I AM not DEAD yet... ;-)!!!

Loud, Proud and Crazy comes Next...I Guess?!?!?!

I know this to be the case.

Time to get serious about...MOVING ON.

WISDOM...rambles through.

[Beginning to Make More Sense...Everyday!!!]

Aural REFLECTION...

Hmmm...

Hmmm...

For the Record...

Ever-Timely...

(Courtesy of La Marr Jurelle)

https://vimeo.com/36905801

for the record.

Current Aural Fixation - II

Hmmm...

Paying Proper Respects...a lil Late!!!

Joyeux Anniversaire...

And What!?

And...

...What You Gonna Do For Me?  

Random - Temple of My Familiar

When I was in Paris 

[Hmmm...]

I made myself sick

...literally

...craving THE FAMILIAR.  

So, I returned to the TEMPLE of MY FAMILIAR

...only to find that 

someone done switched the pews 'round!!!

[Same caustic spirit; 

can't be bothered but with worship THE ALMIGHTY 

and damn to hell anything that thinks about gettin' way of that VIBE, though!!!]

NEEEEEEEEXT!!!

Current Aural Fixation

Hmmm...

Style GUY-D

http://artcomesfirst.tumblr.com/

http://guerreisms.com/

http://thebkcircus.tumblr.com/

http://www.blackrainbowparis.com/

Ever Timely...

Wow...

Hmmm...

BELLY ACHE

Hmmm...

Wrestled from my slumber by the notion of this...I am determined that this will not be the case.  

Listen to VIRGIL.

Oh, How far have we have come...

This video continues to run through my mind as I consider the current "trend" for African-American/Women of Colour toward NATURAL Hair.

Let it Flow

As I have just punctuated my time at that bastion of all things Female, Lifestyle, & African-American ...where I watched my friend's face cinch, twitch, and twist every time I pointed out that the females in the office out-swag the pages of the publication...in every way, not just style...I am forced to reflect on just how they were...or not addressing that NATURAL Hair issue.

[I am thinking of one young lady in particular...a homegirl, in fact...from East Orange.  Every time she steps up in there...she lets folks know...she was happy to be there and WATCH OUT!  STYLED out...Hair Laid...Eye's Green and WICKED...a pop of red at The Lip...and always a LADY!  She is just one!!!]

So, as I observed my brilliant, regally crowned Sister-Friend negotiate the deadly waters ESSENCE Communications would ultimately be for her...I would tactfully, stress the importance of looking no further than the office for inspiration for the pages of the magazine.  The conversations among co-workers about all things arts, politics, health, children, style, makeup, travel, money, fashion, decorating...and HAIR could fill a year's worth of the book...BOOM!  Constance was there as a living example of DOIN' IT...the Natural Way.
What she hadn't counted on...I suspect...is just how she would have to craft this conversation.  The exasperating search for finesse...began to dull the smart smirk I was accustomed to seeing her wear.  Instead, in moments when no one is supposed to be looking...but I always was, I would see the trouble, angst, and annoyance all of this was causing.

Oh...and then there is this.  

BLACK WOMEN's HAIR is and shall forever be [as long as THEY...WE pay attention to it the way we do] a SOCIAL, POLITICAL, PASSIONate and most certainly an ECONOMIC tool...chip... bargaining pawn and puppet in the Media Game.  If WE don't address THAT first and FOREMOST...we are doing SISTERs a SERIOUS disservice.

In the short time I was freelancing there recently, I heard complaint after complaint regarding ESSENCE addressing that NATURAL issue...this, from my friends who read the publication.  Despite every effort on the part of ESSENCE.com...the printed page still has some resonance in OUR COMMUNITY.  [While, currently ESSENCE seems unable to embrace anything beyond the surface on-set of what it is like now that Michelle Obama is First Lady.  The Voice of all things African American and FEMALE had been marginalized to simply reporting [as every other tabloid of the day] our take on the goings-on of Michelle and family.  Ahhh...a sign of the TIMEs, no doubt.

And here-in lies the problem TIME had with attempting to shape the voice of AFRICAN-AMERICAN WOMEN...
YOU CAN'T!  

THEY HAVE TO!  

LoL  

Black MEN...and OTHERSn...know this. 

Why a WHITE, LIBERAL, LESBIAN would be so bold as to believe any differently...escapes me. Hmmm... ;-))

Mr. Lewis...I applaud your creation and appreciate every bit of contribution you have made to the medium and culture, but saving face by saying that you would still support the sale of the publication to TIME...in light of what future it now faces is...troubling, to say the least.  Resources aside, Mr. Lewis...ESSENCE is about PASSION.  The same PASSION that marked the pages first carrying the storied-fashion photographs of early contributor and investor Gordon Parks.  The same PASSION that, in these days, allows for ESSENCE to STILL be one of the LONE publications falling monthly into the homes of Black Families/women [along with EBONY and JET, as well as Black Enterprise]...the world over.  The hope, direction...connection that women of color found in ESSENCE is being lost...like with everything else...for the sake of the DOLLAR - as that is what THE RESOURCES TIME possessed amounts to for you.  Sure the digital age is fast encroaching on all things print media, but it would seem to me that insuring the legacy of the ship you so aptly-crafted would out-weigh the need to jump into such a cowardly, lifeboat, lest you are left with little to stay afloat...but a memory for sure.  

[http://www.whataboutourdaughters.com/waod/2013/3/13/edward-lewis-is-not-here-for-your-essence-magazine-bellyachi.html]

[I tell you this, MIKKI TAYLOR...knew just what to do.  My last days there, I delighted at seeing her coming through - intent on insuring that HER GIRLS ..the department SHE BUILT...the theoretical wind-beneath-her-wings...was still in some kind of good standing.  She is a force and inspiration...taking it all in...playing, but serious.  
I don't find that...now.  The careers too transient...the connections fleeting and the product viral..ergo dispensable.  The connection I felt, seeing her there was to a time gone by.  We both there to witness this once beautiful ARK,now worn and ragged from one-too many turns at sea...and no direction...now, here STRUGGLING to stay afloat from within! Hmmm] 

TRUST...ESSENCE was that SAFE space mothers, sisters, aunts, friends, grandmothers, co-workers and others used to be discussing...referencing...invoking...quoting...planning to...retreating to...finding solace and support from/in.  A tool for a tabloid/reality-tv driven media...not so much?!?

Perhaps it truly is time to re-dress the scope of the magazine...as the conversation concerning the readership has evolved beyond simply bangs, bags, and Black men woes!!!  Africa and the Middle East have forced a socio-political hand that cannot be ignored.  China has always had a hand in the stew as well...as is evidence by both the Caribbean and Africa.  The ESSENCE of African-American women has become about THAT MIX - those MULTI-CULTURAL concerns and the connection borne out of their inescapable history.  BLACK IS, as AMERICA is quick to ASSERT, ONE DROP.  Should ESSENCE ever choose to ADDRESS ALL of those women possessing simply 1 drop who have a concern with lifestyle, economics, fashion, love, family from a perspective familiar to them; and who possess the income to respond in kind...they'd be on the mark.  Thereby, once again forcing the "hand of the oppressor" to open up to the reality.  If you want to make money off of my conversation/culture/dance/shimy/shake/sautee/and stitch...FALL BACK and let me DO what I DO...that 1st ATTRACTED YOU!

Where it stands, I see sistahs stomping into the salons, mad...once more forced to ferret-out some sense from Over-sized Hair book; blog/app pages; or a bevy copy-cat hair 'zines...MAD, they can no longer just take a tear from say...Tasha Turner or a note my girl Jackie [http://www.2snapsandatwist.com/].

Perhaps they should look to Jodie Patterson's web-series GIRL CRUSH [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZUbQQezrqu4] for timely direction and inspiration for what the modern woman of color needs. 

 [She was with me in the AUC [Spelman] while SKOOLDAZE was still FRESH.  That said, she has worked, watched, and evolved her career in media 

to the point of businesswoman, mother, and beauty business owner...all the while staying true to this urban landscape...and true to her ESSENCE.]

ARISE, REBELLE, all of the various VOGUES; as well as many on-line sights, are trying desperately to stomp on the hallowed ground ESSENCE has so lovingly sewn!

Pas d'Possible...I say.  

For the time being...it is wait and see.  For me and Constance ESSENCE is now BLACK HISTORY.  My fear that it may soon be the same for the rest of the general population.

What are we without our ESSENCE?  

Do you really want to find out?  

Re-RE OPEN UP!!!

CORE VALUES

BRILLIANT

- Merci Beaucoup HARMONIUS LIGHT!!!

RELAX...

You are 

where you are 

supposed to be...

So you can 

get to where 

you 

WANT TO BE!!

I AM

WHERE I AM

SUPPOSED to BE...

KNOWING, LIVING, LOVING, LEARNING and GROWING 

in the 

FACT THAT

I WILL

GET TO WHERE

I WANT TO Be.

BeNU

Stand & De LIVE HER [Random Moment]

I walked out of the confusing, stifling quiet of Chez Upshaw...into the light of day and all of the turmoil that is NYC...more specifically HARLEM 2012.  With bags stuffed with all of my essentials - laundry, shea, mawa, BULLET... & WISDOM, I set about going BACK to my girl Kelli's spot to pick up her keys...throw my things down and prep for THE ESSENCE.  Instead of jumping into a cab - very CARRIE - and being swept FURTHER Uptown to 150th Street...I stood at the corner of 112th and 8th...literally at a crossroads.  Directly across from me was a med height, thick brown girl in a too tight top of red, the a coat the same color (I believe) and a black miniskirt - all too young for maturing young body.  However, it was the shorter, brown hooded figure shouting and cursing at her as she meandered around the bystanders at the busstop...on into on-coming traffic...across the street...directly towards ME!!!  ME...swoozy with notions freedom, incense, wisdom, pasta, art and sunshine...now was looking straight into the glaring eyes and snarling mouth spitting expletives at the back of the girl quickly rushing at me...desperation and annoyance highlighting the plee of HELP she had on her face.  I was stuck and turned to find 2 more young-ish looking black me behind me...baring witness to this as well.  I believe we all thought...Hey, he is JUST yelling at her.  I am certain it will just die down - HOW many times have we seen this before gotten involved and gotten our respect nose busted...by the girl - I want to get involved...I mean, what if that was my mother/sister [which is what one of the brothers standing behind me said...an uncomfortable smirk covering his face...just before he headed to the train.  The other BEAUTIFUL, tall brown abaration...that almost made me forget why I was transfixed on the corner in the first place...stood with me a while...then headed into the HSBC ATM.

It was me all beige and FUNKY...with a middle-aged white man ...sportly dressed in hunter greens, cords, specs and a cellphone...{I JUST CALLED THE POLICE} He said, as he saw me looking for the oddly absent cops.  Normally I am greeted by their silence...every morning...as I round the corner to the train.  This morning nothing.  As this scene had now escalated to full fledge yelling, pushing and punching...screaming all from this gruff, lil' brown figure...HER UNCLE or so he was shouting at her.

We were stuck...as the sirens began to sound...UP THE STREET AT THE STATION...10min later...the white guys [including the father, down the block who was walking his young son to school] started shouting at him...just as he was punching the girl.  I looked out for the cops as one of the women standing at the busstop stood shouting at him.  By this time...there are gaggles of people on all 4 corners shouting...cursing...while SHE too was screaming while being hit.  STOP IT.  WE CALLED THE POLICE.  WE ALL SEE YOU.

HE WALKS off, "THAT's MY NIECE...my niece!!!"  MUFUCKAs...SHIT...FUCK...pointing and shouting BACK into the wind while walking UP 8th...right into the cops...WHERE he starts threatening the BIGGEST BLACKEST BROADEST of them.  I was stunned...back into reality as the M10 pulled into my line of sight.

I was just part of that, "THANK YOU...YOU GUYS did a great thing!"

Did I?  I just stood glared, looked out...bore witness, post OBAMA-win...to a young black girl being abused...physically and verbally...hair-pulled, taunted, spit and cursed at...all before 8:30AM.  I do not know what she'd done to set him off..."YouALWAYSSDOIN'THISSHIT!!!," so perhaps she needed some tough love.  I realize times have changed...and abuse IS abuse.  However, I am not certain that I am she should have been getting it in the middle of the street.

Moreover...why we were we 3 stuck?  Uncertain about our own outcome...or truly believing THIS NIGGA isn't REALLY goin' do THIS SHIT!!!

Either way...I'm Up.

Now...to THE ESSENCE.

Points of Inspiration...

LEARN IT.