5 30 2020

Harlem is Still
...as Bk BURNS.

I am still this evening...morning.

I cannot quite get a grip on what is going on, or perhaps I do.

Meaning, my inability to SEE what is going on, is by fate and design - Let it happen...as it will.

Life...now, feels as though we are at a precipice.  I am in NYC...my family in GA.

I am rarely, if ever, truly been afraid for myself.  Rather, in the grandscheme of things my family has always been on greater concern than anything else.  I worry about them all of the time...it is in my DNA, I guess.  I worry...to the point of HAMPERING myself from...

I worry, because we feel disconnected me here, them there.  I stayed away  from THERE.  I was never as ease there.  I am here because this is LOVE for me.  I worry because THEY are LOVE for me THERE.

My FAMILY is broader...is the concern for THEM is different...There safety is a great concern however, I am not so concerned about their physical, as much a I am their mental.

I look as myself - the golden brown, the amber eye; bald and hunched...frowning and trying to discern what is really going on.  How is it going to affect me?  How is my life going to change?  I sleeplessly wondering about THE NEXT.

Ill fitting...old forms words feelings fears fuckery desires fetishes needs re-actions lies truths...miscommunications...

kicking and screaming...I have been slow to take to what is happening, I believe or am I just bracing myself.

What will I do?  How will I defend myself?

How will defend...help...reach my loved ones?

I need to leave GOTHAM.

I can go stay with my parents...in the bottom half of the house or with my sister.

Carry forward as I do.

WHY DO THEY HAVE TO LIVE THERE?  I HAVE ALWAYS  WARNED AGAINST IT...but I am crazy.

What next??

REALly

The 1st shot brought the 2nd to mind.

There is a sadness in both photos that is inescapable.  Their respective resilience will be acknowledged and lauded.

However, As an observer of culture and lover of his BROTHERS, I am hard-pressed to ignore what I 

am seeing feeling because of these photos.

The overwhelming thing, I believe, is to remain unbothered.  

THEY GOT...THIS.  

That is what I am seeing...hoping...resolute about.

...stills me the same way that a ROTHKO does.  I am forced to consider ALL of the layers...intentional or otherwise.

Hmmm...

Life IS Too Short

Today, while helping Jonathan transition to his new his NEW space on STRIVER's ROW, I came face to face with yet another stumble from my past.

I saw Kenny...and his LOVEr, who according to ERIC, once it was clear that I Was NOT going cross the street to greet him...despite his performance on the sidewalk in front of a neighbor of Jonathan's 2 stoops down...and the LOUD TALKING once I reached the street.

Despite years of history of INTERACTION between the 2 of us and more. 

Today...it was a choice - Stay with THE TRANSITION or SLIDE BACK into FORM in order to maintain appearances that, if done would demonstrate I can afford to care - I can't. 

Life is too short.  His well-connected boyfriend was right on with that assertion.

I had just descended from Harmonizing to the Sun ON THE ROOF with Eric...then helping organized Jonathan's ScArVeS, then outside...to THAT Performance. 

I am exhaus...spent from all of THOSE interactions - those that start off amazing...introspective and cool...then somehow evolve with my participation without pay, but the minute I question that...problems arise...from all sides.  Mine, I own...wisdom...knowledge base

I also cannot ignore this trend...over that past 10 years.

Today...I stopped.

Merci.

PeAcE
BeNU

Thank you for Today.

that must be said everyday...now-a-days.

uncertainty is everywhere...about everything.

This feels like a coast...the calm before the storm...

fear and confusion the norm.

They planned it that way...THEY say.
I can't say I blame them...Everything points THAT way

And They don't seem to want to hide what they are doing.

We don't want the disruption of War, but a DisRuPtIoN is Just what has come to pass.

This, the oldest troupe in every invasion / apocalyptic movie of the past 50 years  - bio/chemical warfare...and WE are being made to sit and STEW while They feed whatever scraps of information they deem worthy from the plate, often just the juicy fatty bits that don't provide any real MEATS, mostly Their Conjecture!!!

what to make of it all?  I am not afraid I just do not know if IT is worth iT...going forward.

For the past year I have...YEARS, I have been trying to determine what, Outside of Music is worth it.  I have stopped and started and stumbled and scraped and starved and stoked, then choked so often over the past couple of years, that I found it impossible to really focus...NO, that is NOT TRUE.

I was not focused on MUSIC...SINGING, after a couple of failed performances.  With each new place and space...situation I have found myself in over the past 10 years, I was focused...on THAT respective situation.  MuSiC, was NOT my focus. 

Perhaps it should have been ....

Now, is the time...

to decide.  

How will I 

find HARMONY 

with ME

 Going Forward, 

HONESTLY?

  

  

  

Thank you for Today, despite their way.

ReFLeCtiOnS