Just getting in...WISDOM true all day, but not a lot of weed! Feel Me!? Check the songs on FB...that'll let you know where I am...was.
I believe the ex of a friend tried to pick me up today...and I just dismissed it.
A Bandmate on some OTHER shit...hallucegenic, that is. Peer Pressure...REALLY!?!?!? I am not 16...BEAT IT!!!
I HAVE HAD TO BE SO...exhaustively honest today.
Finished the night off in the company of rastas - my boy here and an artist from Brooklyn, by way of California. Everything about that last experience w...isbeautiful!!! Gotta' take it where you can get it, huh!?
WISDOM
Finally...I can exhaaaaaale!!! Brotha' I am tense...lol...not in a good way. I do NOT like that. The Sun was BLAAAAAZING today and I was inside...until about 4. WHA?!
[Hope you were able to make the proper entrance at this House Party.]
There are about 4 parties going on outside my window...with folks screaming and scream-singing things to one another, drunk hanging out of windows. uUuUuGhh
WISDOM
Now that I am awake...gonna' write, as FIP is killing it.
I am navigating uncharted territories...again. However, this time...it ain't so plain and simple. It is odd to have escaped harm's grasp only to find that freedom creating an even more uncomfortable space. Yes, this IS temporary...in the spirit of balance I am forced to believe this. However, this is truly...TRYING MY PATIENCE.
Settling into my flight...I assumed would be the hardest step for me to take. I am now being made aware that I am not the only 1 experiencing discomfort. I have been here...almost a year. I have had to happily, lovingly, openly, directly, clearly, passionately, purposefully, honestly, fearfully determine just how my footfalls would find this new terrain. I have been broke beyond belief and exhilarated beyond measure. I have faced EVERY fear that found folly with my dreams [although I still have yet to see a stage] and some I never even knew existed. I have had to call upon every bit of my wits to make some plausible sense of this investment...this sacrifice. I have had an unyielding determination unearth itself that has bolstered me...emboldened me against [just about] anything that would come up.
I have been stared at, stared down, coughed-on, spit at, sneezed into, been the recipient of my fair share of cryptic responses, shade, downright rudeness and aloof French sensibilities. I have seen my truth questioned and rejected by those feigning friendship, while still others just wanted to be around...and [hopefully] watch the car crash and burn. I have endured mocking looks, placating posturing, and pitiful ploys to trip me up and shake my resolve.
I have lived in conditions that only Dickens can find romantic.
I have subsisted on a diet that only birds can survive from. [hmmm...] I have abstained (regardless of Halloween Candy) from doing something that came sooooo naturally to me that my body physically went through withdrawls...
[Comfort of a Man - Stephanie Mills].
I have done all this as a show of good faith to my own doubtful foundation and focus. Once you determine that you ARE going to live life and follow your dreams...the expectation of ease should go right out the door with other old ways. I believe the most surprising reactions/response are coming from those that I have lovingly and tirelessly supported, all the while holding my breath...awaiting the safe space to inhale, analyze, process and LIVE.
As I come into Spring...Printemps...and the light begins to shed truth on this crackling facade, I am startled into the reality of how folks grow comfortable with your complacency...and existing in confusion. I do not know what is at the root of my yearning for LOVE, LIFE, LEARNING...other than Art, possibly ADD [self-diagnosed] and Opportunity.
A couple of years ago, as I lay in a hospital bed, in Atlanta and gazing out onto the jagged skyline I determined that I once I got out...was released...got THROUGH yet another FUCKup...I would be free and TRULY follow my dreams. I determined, after seeing the disgust in my father's form and the fragile grip of my mother's hug I would find a way to make them know I am NOT Crazy. I determined that I would no longer give lip-service to those brothers and sisters who had bore witness to my flighty evolution and put in the work. So, I moved back to NYC...went through ME...and as I once again seemed to escape death's ugly demise, I determined to get to a space where creating was possible.
Fast forward 3 years...I am experiencing everything that comes with True LOVE and focus. As I recounted to my band mate Julien, I am literallyseeing, hearing, and feeling things I'd only seen at bad TV movies. In-keeping with the "My-Life-is-a-Sitcom" thing I'd noticed some 30years ago, Paris has been no less...entertaining and aggravating.
I am getting older. I am literally staring at 40. I will address that later. So to, are those that I know and love. I will take a page from my Brother David's book. He has been able to finesse his way OUT of my mix as it got more extreme. He is someone who knows my heart, as he never hesitates to place the mirror right before my eyes & soul. I have NO LESS LOVE in my being for this man...in fact, his focus on-LIFE has only served to do as his presence has always done - make me know it is possible. Be the bigger man, I say.
I thought that I was being the bigger man...and had grown to be friends & family with BIGGER Men and Women...especially in the final NY days.
[I have been lovingly, surprisingly, startlingly focused here. I Love it. I am often forced into the realization that my life would have been so...[waste]...it IS happening now. I want those closest to me to share in this love I have discovered for Life, Language, and Art anew. I am not accustomed to this...abject indignation.]
The Price of EVERYTHING is far too great in Paris. However, it has forced me to determine my worth, demarcate my values, and disregard anything NOT contributing to my success...and happiness. I know what I need to succeed in a way that truly makes me fulfilled - Fresh Fruit & Veggies; ample and available WISDOM; hearty, honest, invigorating exchanges; friends/family; and art - a space to express.
Growing older is only made crazy by those it makes crazy. I love every etching my face now hosts, for it is an indicator of experience. It is impossible to stop time...it keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the future. The onus is on us to embrace that which we have no control over, for that which we do [have control over] requires every bit of our focus.
Uncharted territory is never easy to navigate and while my hope...want...wish is that those I have grown into knowing would continue to serve as beacons, this uncertainty is not going to ground me. I am naively curious about life...and oddly enough only really fearful of those things I know, so the unknown is a wonder I am anxious to explore.
Today, as I sat eating my pooridge, fruit medley; reading the NY Times article on Dr. James McCune Smith's backroom, radical politics and giggling to myself at all my "fashion friends" going IN over Michelle Obama's BRILLIANT choice of a swath of Alexander McQueen's legacy for the state dinner...I had a thought, "Did you see what I see!?" In a lot of the photos I have had the pleasure of seeing of the FLOTUS she looks...ok! [Beautiful, statuesque Yes, but not happy.] This game of politics is not nice, easy or ever makes sense.
The OTHER news from this state dinner was that we had struck up a deal with the Chinese "around $45 billion in exports to China. The money will come from a deal with Boeing worth around $19 billion, along with energy and rail contracts. The jobs are expected to create 235,000 jobs in 12 states."
Oh and yes, "China still faces many challenges in economic and social development,” said Hu. “And a lot still needs to be done in China in terms of human rights.” But, he continued, in order to build a relationship with the U.S., American would need to employ a “principle of noninterference in each other’s internal affairs.”[NY Mag]
So, here is the connundrum - How do their personal politics rest with having to strike up a deal with a country that will admit that while "it" has serious human rights issues (the killing of Tibetan Monks for land at that top of the list], we need to mind our business...if we want to stay in business...to the tune of $45billion...for 235,000 jobs...through a [military] deal brokered by BOEING [private sector investment and gain]?
From the look on Michelle's face...none too pleased!
[MAKES ME WANNA HOLLER playing on FIP]
She is a brilliant, accomplished, INFORMED woman/mother/human rights advocate watching her reflection be thrown to the political dogs...all while wearing couture!!!
What is its Great End?
Manifestly, in the light of all knowledge, and according to the
testimony of all men who have lived...
Life is the fullest, most completeenjoyment of the possibilities of human existence.
It
is the development and broadening of the feelings and emotions, throughsound and color, line and form.
...hencecome literature with romance, poetry, and essay; hencerise Love, Friendship, emulation, and ambition,
and the ever wideningrealms of thought,
in increasing circles of ...
Truth.
~ It is ...
free enjoyment ...
paths and emotions ... need for expression ... full meaning ...
~ W.E.B. du Bois, from The Revelation of Saint Orgne the Damned, The Education of Black People)
I was lost...searching.
Couldn't anyone tell? Started out strange..."worked" my way to damaged. Now, as I ponder the possibility of [still] others [foreign] perspectives, I can't help but wonder, "Did everyone know/think I was crazy/lost/aching?" For the voices I so long ignored, now re-sound a BOOM too hard to turn from!!!
I was a...ME!!! This is true. However, I was a MESS!!!Organized Confusion is what I called it. Perhaps, that is what everyone saw/felt. Perhaps, that is what they were warning me against.
But how can you warn someone against themselves?
If you knew...why not say something?! They tried, with tricks, but the guidance I desired...required, they had no idea about. No one did...until I started studying every Saturday!!!
Corey knew. He tried to tell me - inviting me in...sharing his home, his words, his world, his truth, his culture, his knowledge, his mother, his Harlem, his Morehouse, his Paris, his Senegal, his Music, His Song. He saw...he knew that fire and tried to give me guidance to help turn the light on, beforeit forever be lost.
On THIS DAY...it is the memory, the love, the time, the brotherhood, the spirit, the Laughter and ELEGANCE I celebrate!!!
On THIS DAY I do - as I have done everyday since we first RE-Connected on 8th Street...over Sausage slices - I ask that you (as the rest of my ANGELS) continue to Guide My Feet...While I RUN THIS RACE!!!
I am DOING WHAT I CAN to honor everything your being in my LIFE afforded me - FREEDOM, LAUGHTER, LOVE, LIGHT...SPIRITUALITY...an OPEN HEART, MIND, and SOUL!
Merci Beaucoupe MON FRERE!!!
[I miss you TERRIBLY...hope to, honor you wonderfully!!!]
