In a HAZE

While it is on my mind...

This year I...

- kicked a WICKED HABIT
- Lived with a DRUG ADDICT and SURVIVED...
- Discovered NEW RESPITES...in the THROWS of FIND OTHERs NOW CLOSED
- I FOUND CRAZY comes in the most OVERTLY SubverSIVE MANiFESTations
- Found ARTS and PoLITICS CRAZY are not exclusive to one another.
- I REALIZED that BEAUTY is NOT SKIN DEEP.

I am certain that the physical triumphs...the 30+ lbs of muscle, now meshing with the ESSENCE chunks are comendable...the impression they have made on my wardrobe has been telling.  I have succeed in fleshing-out 200 push-ups a day...for 98% of this year.



NEwFOUND friends come FAST and LOVELY...TRIBESwoman, if you will

OLD Friends have shown all SORTS of COLORS.

NOTHING STAYs THE SAME!!

I vowed that the only way I could see myself in NYC again...is if I was working in the arts.  Well, that happened...consistently.  Starting at the Schomburg, followed by stuff with Roger, editing BRAD's play and then working with Darlene and now ESSENCE.  I went the fashion shows, parties, dinners, and opening...galleries...had a reminder of the NYC angst I LOVE to HATE!!!  Now...all of this has not come without sacrifice.  I am truly ...impressed ...in awe of what focus has done for me.

Last year...this time [more like my father every day]...I was hoping to be rid of Nicholas and smoking my senses numb to his encroaching crazy.  Then came...sleeping on Lem's floor...and just before up in a room with ALBERT.  [That being the longest stay, much like Paris...it afforded the full gamut of personality...mine and his...so much so, I needed to get out.]  Syd's spot next...where I realized...while on ANOTHER blow-up mattress...THIS Gypsy-thing...running from, but to self...was wearing me out.  This preceeded me coming face to face with a Man-carnation of what NYC-Me mighta been...and lost.

I am not interested in running from anything, nor do I long to be among people who can only see that as what my moves are.  I am just catching my stride.  I have shifted...changed.  I know that.  I could have only imagined the knowledge these shifts has wrought.  I can only imagine just what else has truly been ill-fitting besides my 1,000 mile boots.

I am interested in harnessing that strength...that LOVE I felt myself finally able to cultivate in Paris.  It had nothing to do with Paris, so much as it had to do with me.

I can see and feel a new self..LIFE for me...that has me fully beholden to my past, while...giving LIGHT to the FUTURE.  Music...yes, but...moreso BEAUTY!

On Beauty...NEXT onto ME!!!

SomeOne Just Happened To Post THIS the OTHER DAY...

BRILLIANT SUN

So, some explanation may be necessary.  This is a pic of my boy Corey!!!  Morehouse Man, Artist, Thinker, Savant, Brilliant, Friend, and LOVING SPIRIT!!!

This person who posted this actually asked if he and I knew one another.  I then explained that we had been introduced at the apartment Corey and I shared @ Riverside Drive...626 Riverside to be exact.  It is here I was able to seemingly excavate, evaluate, contextualize, curate and create the Man I now know to be ME!!!

Corey and I were able to sit as young, educated, energized, informed, stylish, on-the-pulse Gay Black Men of the Post-Cosby Show, Post Morehouse, Post Atlanta; in media [he at VIACOM /MTV and I at ESSENCE];  in Harlem and consider our new lives with LEARNED eyes.  We engaged each other, challenged, enraged and grew together.  

He was the last example of me consciously gravitating to something/one who is like me.  Corey made me know BROTHER-LOVE...in a way that my friends, my boy's had not...up to that point in my life.

Greater still, he began the conversation of Spirituality with me.  We talked about it all the time.

Everything with Corey was about 

exploring, 

exposing 

and highlighting 

the LIGHT!  

 There was the natural drama that lived within him and shone through with every step.  You either LOVE 'IM or YOU LEAVE 'im ALONE!!!  This BRILLIANT BROTHER - Handsome and Hilarious - was gone, never again to share a quip, a meal, a giggle, a read, a romp, or a hug!  He lived this lovingly, open life.  He engaged his passions and challenged all those around him to do the same.  I know that he wanted LOVE and LIGHT and HAPPINESS for all of us...however, couldn't figure out how to make that happen...without seeming to negatively effect those that LOVED HIM...for HIM! 

By the time it was time for us to move on...we were barely talking.  I was preparing to leave NYC after 9/11 and being laid-off.  He was deep in a FUNK about being stateside and not being prepared financially to FLESH out his dreams.  This energy colored our last embrace and would be one of my greater regrets to this day.

You see, that Christmas [2001] - still reeling after the 9/11 and trying to make sense of the world that was greeting me that morning, I received a call from Corey's godmother...telling me that Corey had just died is his mother's arms in DC...on the way to the hospital.  The wicked complications of Malaria and AIDS combined to snuff this light. 

  

I miss HIM.  

As I have grown...in the past 12 years since his passing...I have traveled all of those roads we once considered...with varying degrees of fulfillment and success...often invoking his spirit in the hopes of it bringing some clarity to an otherwise GREY situation.

This Spirit Friend...I greet every time I find myself on a Harlem sidewalk, but also a la Rue a Paris!!!  He was an original.  

I only hope I do his memory justice...as I explore every aspect of ART, LOVE, and LIFE!!!

You see Corey was the first person to challenge me to be a man and I couldn't escape...we were roommates.  Greater still, we were actively re-writing what BEING A MAN meant for us.  Faced with Over-Macho Heterosexual BROWN Christian mores, Capitalism, HIV/AIDS epidemic, Let's Get Physical still the theme song of the Age and hyper-competitiveness...we were 2 steps forward to progressiveness...but threatening that 1 step back.  

I learned from him - Know and TRUST your instincts! 

Look FOR, AT, and LEARN FROM People's Energy!

It is not the talented 10, 

it is the Talented 10th

...a part of a whole.

 You Got Folks waiting...
Get to it!!!!

Merci Beaucoup, Mon Frere!!!!

 

BonSoiR Mon FRERE!!!

PondeRIN' IT!!!

I am restless for tomorrow.  

Choosing to live pull to pull...in the vain attempt to wile away my NYC-TRYP.  

My soul aches for some stimulation.

[it is not found the weed...]

WISDOM only heightens just how I am feeling. 

 I am not certain I can last much longer.  

Some have attributed this feeling/mood to the fact that I am CRUSHING on being CRUSHED!!! SMASHED...ROOTED LOVELY...HANDLED ROUGH...

My mind races as quickly as my body these days.  I believe I am HUNGRY for 

something more

...FULL and FILLING!!!

I am ...is SINGING...THAT THING?

Hmmm...

Soul 2 Soul...is an interesting concept.  

If you speak and act only from the soul, 

considering NOT what you SEE so much as WHAT is FELT.  

Operate on what you see 

INI.

FAT FREDDY's DROP

It is amazing what one group can come to represent...and by group I mean singing group or BAND.  From as far back as I can remember...if I am clear...I am have been impacted LOVINGLY by collectives...EWF, DAZZ, SLAVE, CULTURE CLUB, SOULIISOUL, Parliament Funkandelics, Bob Marley & The Wailers, MCGC, 5 Blind Men, ROOTS, and so on...then comes PARIS.

Better still...RADIO NOVA.  This station in Paris gives such beautiful air space to the history of soul music....without thought to look, waist line, complexion or gimmick...just as long as it is TRUE, AMERICAN SOUL.

They gave equal credence to those folks that have listened learned and crafted their own AURAL CONVERSATION as it relates to SOUL.  The collective embodying this for MY PARIS TIME is FAT FREDDY's DROP.

I heard this song...

one night, in the flat I'd rented in the 18th...

near Canal St. Martin.  

 I lay there...

looking about this artfully, sparingly appointed space -

 MATRIX on the screen

...Amsterdam WISDOM in the SYSTEM

...WOODs in the AIR

...et Quinoa, Poulet et Broccoli filling out my form

...and informing the HEALTHY ears just about to be

WRENCHED OPEN BY THIS...

There it was...POSSIBILITY...written and sung with such earnest passion...by 2 young singers...one from America and the other NEW ZEALAND.  The entire BAND - FAT FREDDY's DROP - is from New Zealand.  They look SAMOAN...and are GENIUS.  These BROTHAS influences are clear - Hip Hop, SOUL, REGGAE, FUNK, ROCK, TECHNO, HOUSE...GOSPEL, TRANCE...Just LOVINGLY COMPREHENSIVE.

I took to them and have found their catalog mesmerizing.  

And then there is...

And Oh Yes...

and...

and Finally...

Andreya Triana...Lewis Taylor...Jamie Lidell...FELA...not to mention the ROOTS - Horace ANDY, Merci Martin; MASSIVE ATTACK et al, Merci Fon Fon.  The TOURE Clan...Merci YaYa.  And ALL the FILLER I wax harmonious about with INDIGO!!!

Give these a quick listen-to.

I figure I am to truly share all parts of my Parisian Excursion...NATURALLY, I am going to begin with MUSIC.

Hmmm...http://www.chpak.com/#!music

PEACE