REALly

The 1st shot brought the 2nd to mind.

There is a sadness in both photos that is inescapable.  Their respective resilience will be acknowledged and lauded.

However, As an observer of culture and lover of his BROTHERS, I am hard-pressed to ignore what I 

am seeing feeling because of these photos.

The overwhelming thing, I believe, is to remain unbothered.  

THEY GOT...THIS.  

That is what I am seeing...hoping...resolute about.

...stills me the same way that a ROTHKO does.  I am forced to consider ALL of the layers...intentional or otherwise.

Hmmm...

Life IS Too Short

Today, while helping Jonathan transition to his new his NEW space on STRIVER's ROW, I came face to face with yet another stumble from my past.

I saw Kenny...and his LOVEr, who according to ERIC, once it was clear that I Was NOT going cross the street to greet him...despite his performance on the sidewalk in front of a neighbor of Jonathan's 2 stoops down...and the LOUD TALKING once I reached the street.

Despite years of history of INTERACTION between the 2 of us and more. 

Today...it was a choice - Stay with THE TRANSITION or SLIDE BACK into FORM in order to maintain appearances that, if done would demonstrate I can afford to care - I can't. 

Life is too short.  His well-connected boyfriend was right on with that assertion.

I had just descended from Harmonizing to the Sun ON THE ROOF with Eric...then helping organized Jonathan's ScArVeS, then outside...to THAT Performance. 

I am exhaus...spent from all of THOSE interactions - those that start off amazing...introspective and cool...then somehow evolve with my participation without pay, but the minute I question that...problems arise...from all sides.  Mine, I own...wisdom...knowledge base

I also cannot ignore this trend...over that past 10 years.

Today...I stopped.

Merci.

PeAcE
BeNU

Thank you for Today.

that must be said everyday...now-a-days.

uncertainty is everywhere...about everything.

This feels like a coast...the calm before the storm...

fear and confusion the norm.

They planned it that way...THEY say.
I can't say I blame them...Everything points THAT way

And They don't seem to want to hide what they are doing.

We don't want the disruption of War, but a DisRuPtIoN is Just what has come to pass.

This, the oldest troupe in every invasion / apocalyptic movie of the past 50 years  - bio/chemical warfare...and WE are being made to sit and STEW while They feed whatever scraps of information they deem worthy from the plate, often just the juicy fatty bits that don't provide any real MEATS, mostly Their Conjecture!!!

what to make of it all?  I am not afraid I just do not know if IT is worth iT...going forward.

For the past year I have...YEARS, I have been trying to determine what, Outside of Music is worth it.  I have stopped and started and stumbled and scraped and starved and stoked, then choked so often over the past couple of years, that I found it impossible to really focus...NO, that is NOT TRUE.

I was not focused on MUSIC...SINGING, after a couple of failed performances.  With each new place and space...situation I have found myself in over the past 10 years, I was focused...on THAT respective situation.  MuSiC, was NOT my focus. 

Perhaps it should have been ....

Now, is the time...

to decide.  

How will I 

find HARMONY 

with ME

 Going Forward, 

HONESTLY?

  

  

  

Thank you for Today, despite their way.

ReFLeCtiOnS

Is this the NEW MATRIX

or an extension of the old way...

...just progressive?

Is this how it is to be gone???

Does everything ...that has existed no longer count??

If so, 

I would like to know...if that is the reason I would RANDOMLY bump into 

Debra Shaw and Tony Brown

...grabbing juices at WATKINS on 125th Street

...just as the CV was hitting the States.

I stood there

...feeling all giggles and smirks

...as I considered that 

I was literally DONE 

facing all that stuff.

Time for a RESET.

Madame Shaw 
Our experience has haunted me long enough.  In fact, I must now flip it and learn that I am cannot blame you for things out of my control.

My feelings included.

You are part of my Paris experience.  It is Black History.

Our most recent history...LOVED seeing you AND you recounting to Tony that it was me who 1st told you about the Juice Bar while living in Paris.  

Ish...loved that.

Merci Madame Shaw

PEACE

Holding My Breath...Agaiin

I asked for this.

I wanted people to STOP

I needed for people to see What They

How They

 were doing 

wrong

...take a moment 

and consider 

just how we are 

Living Learning 

and Claiming to LOVE

I asked for time to decide ...

What next?!

The SOLITUDE BOOMS with SILENCE

UnEASE.

DisCOMFORT

Listen to...

 ME, 

in relation to The World; 

My Family; 

The UNIVERSE

Where do I fit?  

That is yet to be determined, 

as 

The Game is currently 

Being Shuffled.

Moonchild - "Whistling" (Official Audio)

This is not the window I imagined

...or perhaps it is

I have sat in many window

...with a laptop or pad

Looking out onto the  ‘scape

...and thinking of a StoryBook...something or other.

I do not know what is going on.

Fear is n not knowing and going forward.  

I am going to run out of money quickly. 

Tomorrow, I am going downtown to look out at that 

‘Scape

Get away from the hostility that lies in wait in Harlem

and get meds

I MISS MY BIKE..

This is new and raw…

I feel like I am looking at a really hostile space.

I need to move.

I do not have an id...just the passport and birth certificate.

I waited...procrastinated and now cannot get my driver’s license.

Cutting off Manhattan...or the threat of that ....

Is going to keep alot of people at bay.

I am not certain just how t o 

Act...re-act or simply be.

The longer I stay...here.

Too many different types of people…

I heard it in their voices...my parents

My Father’s ...tone…

My Father’s ...ToNe.

What am I staying here for?

No jerking it out.  The longer I lie on my back...the worse it is getting….

The city Grumbles along...it was a beautiful day out...folks out to dinner...jogging...shopping...chillin

A skeletal version of what a normal Friday would be like with weather like this.

I am really up

I really just touched my face.

-my parents.

- my sister.

I am here...doing what I have been doing in NYC for the past 10 years …

LURKING.

Happy to Be Alive

...Present, but Not Always Pleasant.

Dire.

I cannot hear any common senhmmmse playing a part in any of this.

Hostile.

It will be just as bad in Atlanta...if not worse.

Hmmm...